I am who I am today because of you, my son.

Tonight was the first night my mother and I went to the movies together. She invited me to the movies and I gladly accepted. While this may seem completely unimportant to many, it meant a lot to me. What is so special about this you may be asking? Well I’ll tell you what makes today’s event so meaningful to me and hopefully to you as well. The movie we watched was “Son of God” a movie I hadn’t even heard of until my mom mentioned it to me. As we sat watching Jesus’s life, I couldn’t help to think about Alex and the journey we’ve been on for the past 5 years. The more I watched the more I understood why, why we had been chosen to go through this, why I was chosen to be his mother.

Before Alex, I lived an empty life, I smiled to keep others happy, I made jokes to cheer them up. I did everything I did to please others while filling the void I had deep inside even if it was only temporarily. Alex came into my life to fill every empty part of me, every single part. I knew he was special, very special. I always knew he would change my life and that of those around him. Jesus was the chosen son of god, just like our children were chosen for us. Everyone of those children out there were chosen to change our lives, each one. They were chosen to teach us just what life is truly about. While I wish the way would have been different, less painful mainly, I know this was the only way to teach us to appreciate everything god created for us. Just like we’ve told many people that the way they ate was wrong, that vaccines could/would hurt their children, that the natural way was the best way and yet they haven’t listened, maybe we wouldn’t have listened either. No one learns by others pain, no one understand your pain unless they have felt it themselves.

I ask, would you know just how powerful words are if it wasn’t because our children’s voices being taken? Would any of you truly feel the way you feel when your child hugs you? When your children eat? When they sleep? When they play? When they smile? When they look into your eyes and say so much without saying one single word? Tell me, would you know how HUGE that is if it wasn’t for what has happened to our children?

As I watched Mary look into her sons eyes as they said to her “your son will be our king, he is the chosen one” I realized our kids were chosen too. As Jesus carried the cross I realized that we all have a cross to carry, all of us. Some crosses are heavier than others and when it is our kids carrying that cross it’s even that much more painful. Mary watched as her son was beaten and crucified yet in her eyes I could see peace. As if she knew he would be ok, that he would return. That brought me back to a very painful day when I saw my husband cry as I have never seen him nor wanted to see. He was defeated, lost, without hope, without faith. He was crying because his son as he knew was gone, he cried and I could see the hopelessness in his eyes. I got on my knees just as he was, I looked him straight in the eyes and I made him a promise. A promise I was not going to brake, a promise that I knew someway, somehow I would keep. I said to him “Luis I promise you that I will give you your son back, I will bring him back. Just like I gave him to you that beautiful November night 2 years ago, I will give him back you again. I don’t know how or when, but I promise you I will”.

Since that moment I have been determined to make that promise a reality. I have worked tirelessly trying to follow every sign god has given me to the best of my ability. I remember one night I broke down as I felt helpless, I broke down and cried. I asked god to do as he will, because I knew I was powerless without him. He is the almighty, his will and his power is what I needed to believe in. I put my sons faith in his hands, just like god had honored me with that beautiful boy once. I begged of him to return him to me once again, I begged god as though my life depended on it, because it did. I put Alex’s life in god hands and told god I would respect whatever he decided to do with it as couldn’t change what would happened anyways. I put my faith in god, I asked for guidance, for strength, I asked for him to show me the way. I have followed his signs the best way I could, I’ve learned to listen to my intuition, to question everything, I’ve learned so much. I have grown in every possible way, I am the amazing woman and mother I am today because of everything we’ve been through. I waited patiently ( at times) to hear Alex’s voice, I never lost faith that I would one day. I’ve waited for every hug, every touch, every smile, everything he can do today. We take nothing for granted now and I can only thank god and Alex for that. That angel has shown me just how great and powerful a single word can be, how a hug can shake you to your core. How looking into someone’s eyes can tell you so much about that person without a word needed. Alex has shown me how to smile from within, from the heart which is where it truly counts. Today I can confidently say I am happy, inside and out. Alex’s voice set me free, his voice was worth all the pain we have been through. Seeing him smile heals my heart, my soul, heals my painful and broken being. Alex, my son thank you for everything you’ve taught me, thank you for showing me that miracles do exist, that blessings come in all shapes and sizes, that god truly does listen when you believe in him. What a way to teach me god does exist, you my son have taught me more in your lifetime than I ever learned in mine. Every second of everyday is a blessing, I now know that because of you. Thank you Alex, that you for showing me how to live a fulfilling life, a meaningful life.

To every mother reading this, I ask that you never loose hope, that you never give up. One day you too will hear your sons voice, one day you will hear then sing, dance, speak, laugh. One day they will look straight into your eyes while holding your hand tightly and thank you for never giving up. They will thank you for being strong when all you wanted to do was crumble, for believing even though things were not going your way. For being their voices when they had none, for being the best possible mother you could have been given the circumstances. They will thank you for always getting up when you fell, for never staying down. One day all the bad moments will be just memories, memories that will no longer hurt. One day you will look back and know you wouldn’t change a thing even if you could. Everything we have lived up to today was meant to be, it was written, everything. It was the way it was to make us who we are today.

I’ll end tonight’s post with this:
Luke 1:37 – For with God nothing shall be impossible. Amen

School has officially NOT started!

20130912-161955.jpg

So how did we get here, how did we come to this? Well it’s easy, having to deal when IEP’s SUCKS, having to practically fight for actual services for my child SUCKS, having to worry about my child being at school SUCKS, autism SUCKS basically.

Last week as school started I also started to have this feeling, you know that gut feeling that something isn’t right? Remember that feeling you had when you vaccinated your child? That feeling that something was not quite right? Well that my friends is your mommy gut/intuition telling to get the hell outta that place, in this case school. As I pulled up to our usual parking spot at school where Alex’s aide is always waiting for Alex to walk him into school, might I add that I fought like a beast to be able to get this arrangement. Back to my story, so as I pulled up to the school here come this woman telling me that according to the new principal I can’t do this anymore. That I need find a parking spot, get out of my car and walk Alex in, new rules I guess. Me being the momma that I am, I comply not because she told me to but because it was my plan anyways as it was the first day and I wasn’t sure how Alex would react. As I walked in I spot the new principal and ask him if I can have a word with him. I then walk to Alex’s classroom and realized its a lot bigger than last year. I walk out of his room and look for the principal. As I talked to him about the drop off situation he questions me on why this is necessary. I tell him all the safety reasons why me and 3 kids around moving vehicles is not safe for any of my kids. I also remind him he’s the new guy not us, how much I fought for his arrangement and remind him that Alex’s aide is there because Alex is there, everyone at that place seems to forget that. I also tell him Alex will be leaving school after recess as he is now getting ABA at home. He decides its a smart idea to question my decision, as he’s sure after only having spent 2-3 minutes in Alex’s presence that he knows what’s best for my son. Something that was funny to me was that he didn’t even know what ABA was, yet felt it wasn’t the best option for Alex. Then he says “if you want him out early everyday you’ll need to sign him out at the office”. Yet again we come to the same safety issue that leads to me need help with that. I remind him I have the other two kids and that because of the kids safety I don’t feel comfortable having to take them all out of the car to just sign out. I ask if Cameron can stay with the kids while I run inside to sign out, or if he can bring out the notebook so I can sign him out. He says its a school policy that obviously he’s not willing to change for me. A “school policy” not a district or law, its just his way of saying I’m the boss, deal with it. I quickly realized I was wasting my time and tell him I need an IEP to set up the new schedule for Alex.

At lunch time: I walk in as I do everyday with food in hand eager to see my Alex. I noticed there’s only Alex’s aide watching over all the kids in the cafeteria. No other aides or teacher, only Alex’s aide. When I asked where everyone was he as calmly as he could ( mind you was chasing after children as they tried to run out of the cafeteria time and time again ) tells me that the 2 other aides are at lunch and the teacher is taking kids back to the classroom. Yeah about that, the teacher forgot to tell me lunch time had changed, it’s 15 minutes earlier now. As I sat there with my son while he quietly ate his lunch the other kids screamed, others kept trying to scape it was a mad house. Alex’s aide ran like a mad man behind them, even the custodian came up to him and asked why he was on his own with so many kids. It was while I looked around at the craziness around us that I realized I didn’t want my son around that. It was then when I questioned my decision to send my son to school, I realized school was not a good nor safe place for him.

I sat there with my heart heavy wondering how can it be this way? I never saw this when I was in elementary, why are there so many sick kids now? Why? And most of all why isn’t anyone stopping this? Why aren’t parents listening to parents like me who have been saying for years that vaccines aren’t safe, vaccines are causing autism and a lot more problems that people just seem to be over looking. I stared at my son as he ate and decided I wouldn’t walk out of that school without him.

I see the principal once again and he tried his best to convince me to leave him at school but there was no way that was happening. I came home and thought about everything I had seen, everything I felt, and the more I thought about it the more home schooling felt like the way to go.

The next day came and Alex didn’t go back to school, Alex wasn’t going back. I get a call from school a few days after asking about him and telling me about the IEP meeting they have scheduled for us. The meeting day came but as my decision to home school was taken already I don’t go to the meeting. I had already spoken to his teacher about my decision. They decide they want to call me and tell me the pros and cons of my decision during an IEP I had already told them to cancel. I listen they talk, they talk more I listen. They talk and talk and I listen, once it was all said and done my decision remains firm, I am homeschooling.

It’s very sad that many mothers are taking this decision not because it was our long life dream to home school but because school and their staff make it nearly impossible for our kids to get a real education and real services. It’s a shame that a mother has to fight therefore earning that “pain in the ass” parent label just to get your child a descent IEP. And that’s half the battle, once you have that IEP that actually seems could help your child you now have the fucking task to be the “pain in the ass” parent again and make sure they are actually implementing that IEP. Why should I have to do that? Why? Why are all these people in special education or education for that fact if their main goal isn’t to help kids? Why must I live in fear about my sons wellbeing while he’s at school? Why should I dread having an IEP meeting? Why do I need an advocate just to be able to have an IEP team that follows the law, a law that sometimes I don’t even think they know about. Why must school be so painful?

Well it won’t be anymore, as we are now free, happy and with such a weight off our shoulders. Alex will be home with me and his brother and sister. We will be doing 2-3 hours of ABA daily, getting in contact with the local home schooling community, getting together with my local autism homeschooling mommas and doing field trips with our kids. We will learn the fun and free way, we will nourish the special things about each one of our kids, we will explore and let them be themselves not what society wants/expects from them. We will be learning in a way that’s fun and rewarding. We will be homeschooling as that feels best. I’ve always said that when we follow our intuition, nothing can go wrong!

20130912-161938.jpg

Fluoride clearing here we go again!

Ok so how did we come to this conclusion, well I’ll tell you how. On Monday morning I woke up tired, neck injured from the day before (long story), Alex awake during the night because of the full moon, sigh. I got out of bed mad, tired and walked (stomping better describes it to be honest) straight to my remedies and grabbed the fluoride 30C and gave it to Alex. Why? I have no clue what took over me, I can’t explain why I did it other than I was being guided to do so. Call me crazy but I truly believe god is guiding me along this journey, nothing I do is a mistake or coincidence , everything is/was meant to happen. I dosed Alex and a few hours later when I snapped back into reality I realized I needed to tell Sima what I had done. I was hoping she wouldn’t mind, but then I remembered she is very BIG on following a mothers intuition so I knew she’d understand.

Today/Friday the 23rd: so by today Alex has gotten 2 doses of fluoride 30C by now. Mondays does I gave first thing in the morning but yesterday for some reason I forgot in the morning and have it in the evening which was a BIG MISTAKE. I’ll tell you why, Alex was stimming like crazy at 2am, he was running back and forth and vocal stimming like no ones business. That’s when I remembered, “o yeah Alex needs this in the AM unless I want him awake in the middle of the night, Thai happened when I cleared fluoride the first time”. I had to resort to melatonin by 3:30am as I needed to sleep and so did he. This morning he was stimmy as well but now it seems his over that and has a fever now. He’s a lot calmer and I couldn’t be happier about that fever, it tells me repeating the clearing was a slam dunk! He’s reacting already and I know more healing is on its way!!!!

Keep the little man in your prayers, I’ll keep praying as well and updating on how he does with this clearing! 20130823-122130.jpg

20130823-122217.jpg

20130823-122253.jpg

Lets talk about me, mom, because I too matter.

So how am I? That’s a question I haven’t been asked in a very long time, specially by a total stranger. I’m surrounded by people who I grew up calling “family”, the same people that completely disappeared when autism entered our lives. The people that should be the ones by my side and interestingly were the first to walk away. They don’t call, don’t ask, don’t visit, they’ve become complete strangers to me. They don’t know my son, don’t care to ask about my son, let alone see my son. If only those people knew everything I’ve been through, if only they could walk a day in my shoes. Only then would they feel the pain, the struggles, the tears, the blood, the screaming, the kicking, the dirty looks I got from people when Alex had tantrums in public, the disappointment when something stopped working, the sadness of not hearing your child’s voice for over 5 years, the pain I felt watching him struggle to do things other kids do without even thinking about it. If they could see all the work I’ve done, the hours of research, the amount of work that went into his meals, all the supplements, the testing, the therapies, the doctor visits. If only they knew the thousands of dollars we’ve spent on things we didn’t even know could/would work. I they could have been up for over 2 years with us at night because Alex couldn’t sleep. If only they felt the pain I felt when I laid in bed listening to Alex scream because, well I don’t why, I don’t know because Alex wasn’t talking, he couldn’t tell me why he couldn’t sleep. Was he in pain? Was he uncomfortable? I didn’t know because my son couldn’t speak, he knew what was happening to him but couldn’t tell me. If these people who I grew up calling “family” only cared enough to get to know my son, they would realize what an amazing child he is. Sadly they don’t care, not one bit.
They’ve never seen me crying in a hallway after failed IEP meetings, to hold Alex down so he could have blood work done, outside speech therapy rooms, outside Alex’s room during ABA therapy, they’ve never seen me cry because they’ve never been here. They won’t see me because they’ll never come.

If only they knew how hectic a shopping trip can me for me if its too loud for Alex, if there’s too many people there, too many things going on around him. If they could see the death stares I get because Alex wants to sit inside the cart while I shop. I think I know what those people are thinking: Why is that big kid sitting in that cart? He should be walking, that woman is crazy for pushing him around like that?

Last Friday while we watched Despicable Me 2 a woman in the row in front of us gave us the dirtiest looks I’ve ever gotten since Alex was diagnosed. He was mad because my son was talking, ain’t that a BITCH. The very thing I’ve been praying for, for so long was making this woman loose her mind. She kept looking back at us, covering her ears, looking back, if only those people I used to call family could have felt what I felt that night. That bitter old woman was trying to take away a great moment from me and my son, a moment I wish I could have lived forever. My Alex was talking so much during that movie, he was happy and so excited, that woman just like “them” have no idea how much every word that comes out of his mouth means to me. But again how would they know when they’ve never been here.

Today on our way to our first swimming lesson (which I was very hopeful for I might add) I prayed that Alex would cooperate. Alex isn’t a fan of water which is good and bad. Bad because showers aren’t his favorite and stressful and good because I believe it’s a child with autism’s worst enemy. Why do I say that, well just this summer we’ve lost about 10 kids who have wondered away which led to a drowning death. So what would they think if they knew swimming lessons aren’t a luxury or just a recreational activity for us? What would they say if they knew this could save my child’s life if he ever wonders away AGAIN. Would they care? Or would they continue with their life just as they did when they heard my son had autism?

Back to today’s swimmingly lesson: So we get to the community center and its me and the three kids against autism. I knew autism would be the only reason why this would be a horrible experience. I debated going but I’ll be damned if i let autism run our lives. We get there and as we walked towards the pools I can feel my feet shaking, could it be that I’m carrying Santi, carrying a bag with all their clothes and holding both kids hands, or the fear of watching Alex’s reaction when he saw the pool? Or both? As soon as Alex saw the pool the meltdown was inevitable, my heart broke when I saw the fear in him, the panic in his eyes, if only “they” could have seen it. But would that even matter to them? I tried my best to hold it together, I stayed firm with Alex and was able to get him into the pool, the fear in his face will stay with me forever, that look of desperation, the screaming pleading to be out of the water. Julie tried convincing Alex that everything was ok too but Alex wasn’t listening. Alex wanted nothing to do with swimming. Alex doesn’t know how many hopes I had for today, neither did “they” because they have no idea where we were today, that we’ve moved, or where we live.

Julie had her swimming lesson and somehow I was able to make it out of the pool tears free. I shook as I walked towards the entrance, I stopped at the counter to explain to them why the lessons wouldn’t work for us. Julie was soaking wet only covered in her towel as I couldn’t help get them dressed because Alex was in such a bad state. All this time I’ve had Santi strapped to me, there’s only so much I can do while carrying him. I struggled to bend over to help Julie put dry clothes on, put Alex’s shoes on at the same time. Santi hanging off of me almost falling out of his moby wrap when suddenly something beautiful happened. An elderly woman walking with the assistance of her walker offered me her help. This elderly woman who warned me her balance wasn’t too good got on her knees and helped Julie put her clothes on. A woman who didn’t know me or seen me before cared enough to help me. She saw me and stopped to help me, if she only knew how her actions made me feel. When I felt so defeated and alone she picked me up. The two women behind the counter were so compassionate too, they expressed how sorry they were and refunded the portion that was for Alex’s swimming lessons. I had them keep Julie’s portion in case I was able to find someone to help me so Julie can continue to take lessons. I left that place as fast as I could, heart broken, defeated but also knowing there’s still good people in the world, bittersweet you could say.

Once home I realized I was alone, the only 2 people who do help have their own lives too. My mother works and my sister does too, sadly I won’t be able to take Julie back to swimming lessons until Alex is back in school. I picked up the phone to call the community center back and tell them I wasn’t able to find help, that I needed to cancel Julie’s lessons. The woman on the other side was so sweet, I could feel the compassion in her voice, she asked me something I had not been asked in so long, something “they” have never cared to ask, she said with one of the sweetest voices I’ve ever heard “how are you mom, are you ok?”. And that’s the moment I lost it, I started crying to this woman, a woman who told me she was sending her heart to me, that she was very sorry for everything I had to live through everyday, a woman who has never seen me yet cared enough to ask me how I was. A woman with compassion for others, a woman I will never forget.

And to answer her question: I’m not ok, I’m mad, I have lost to autism today and I can’t stop crying. I cry because there’s more than 30 people within minutes away who I grew up with who don’t care to know how we are. Who when once asked to donate $10 a month to help pay for Alex’s expenses back in 2009 when I was pregnant with Julie and Luis was laid off found every excuse possible of why that was impossible for them. Yet if there’s a party they don’t think twice about spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol but wouldn’t have the heart to help their nephew, an innocent child with autism, a child who is part of their family. That is sad, very, very sad.

Well today is the last time I shed tears for these people, today I’ll cry as much as I need to and never again. They will never get to cherish the moments and miracles I witness daily. They will never get to know the joy of hearing Alex’s voice, the joy of getting eye contact from him, the joy of being in his life. They will also not be at his recovery party, what for, they wouldn’t understand the meaning of it anyways. To answer that sweet woman’s question one more time, I am not ok but I know one day I will be.

New beginnings!

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve sat down and written about our little Alex. Lots of new things have come our way, lots of great things. First of I’d like to tell you all that we have moved, we’ve recently bought a house, a house we’ve been dreaming off for years. As many may remember when Alex was diagnosed we weren’t in the best place. Luis was out of a job, I was pregnant with Julie, we lived in a garage, long story short it was not an ideal situation. In the past four years I’ve dreamt of owning a home again, of being able to tell my kids, “this is your home, where we will be happy, very very happy”. Well folks, that day has come, Luis and I are now able to tell our kids “lets go home”. The kids refer to it as the “new house”, I’m wondering how long it will be the new house. They were so used to living with my mom that the thought of moving was not too exciting at first, specially for Alex. The last 2 weeks of school I kept talking to him about the new house but he kept refusing to the point of crying and screaming “no new house, no new house, stay at grandmas house”. I was really sad that he reacted this was as we were so happy to finally give them their own home. I spoke to Sima about his reaction, she always has great advice for me so I knew she’d know how to handle it. The closing process tool a bit longer than we thought but in the end it was perfect. Everything happens when it’s supposed to no matter how much you want to push. By the time we got our keys (mind you we extended closing 3 times, 5 weeks total) it was a Monday, not an ideal day to move but a happy glorious Monday for us. Alex had a week left of school and Sima gave me the best idea ever. She said “Lucy why move today if you really have no help, take this week to move, take things to the house everyday. This way Alex finishes school this week and you don’t need to worry how you’ll manage to set up the new house. By the weekend you’ll have the house somewhat put together and he’ll feel much more at home when he sees his things there”. Genius!

So as always I followed Simas advice to a T, I took Alex to school every morning and drove to the “new house” to set up as much as I could. Alex’s room was my main concern, I wanted his room to be perfect, his books all in place just like he likes them, he’s movies right next to his books also, he’s old DVD player which has to be a million years old, and he’s bed. Me and Luis would go to the house after he came home from work and worked some more, all week until Saturday came, it was time to show the kids their new home. Alex was very hesitant to even leave my moms house, but when we showed up at the new house he walked in, inspected the place, saw the yard, then he walked downstairs, he loves basements so I knew his room would be a bit hit as its downstairs. He walked into his room and instantly loved it! He saw his new bookcase bursting with all his books and DVDs, he saw his bed again, it had been in storage for over a year, he saw his old tv and DVD player, and a new couch we bought just for him. The room was Alex approved!

Julie on the other hand was as excited as a kid with a new toy, she ran around the house like a mad woman yelling “I love it, I loved, the new house is so beautiful mommy”, music to my ears!

Santi on the other hand had a bit of a hard time adjusting, so much that his new room is not used at all. He has shared a room and bed with me and Luis since he was born that leaving mommas side has not been easy for him. So much that I gave up on trying after a month with no nap that I decided, “ok child you can take a nap in my bed, in my room if that’s what’ll take to get you to sleep”. He is still sleeping with me and Luis and god only knows how long that will go on for, you can’t win them all can you now?

Alex on his remedies: at this point Alex is an a new constitutional remedy, the one he had been on for the past few months has stopped giving us results. He started this new remedy last Friday and I’m amazed at how well he took into this one. I have to say it again, Sima ROCKS! She picks remedies so fitting to him that by day two he’s reacting already. He’s usual response is a fever, if there’s a fever involved I know he’s on the right track. He had been sooooo stimmy these past 2-3 weeks that he’s remedy wore out and within a day on his new remedy, walla stimming gone. This morning he has a bloody nose too which is a first, I wonder what that means? He’s calmer, sleeping a lot better, mood is amazing, he’s patient again with hai siblings and just comfortable in his own skin. Sima has done it again, she knows this kid so well!

CEASE: as far as CEASE goes the plan was to repeat the fluoride clearing since Alex showed lots of improvements on it. We will give this remedy a week or two and decide then when and if we will in fact clear fluoride again.

The summer has been a memorable one for us, we bought a house, Julie turned 4, I turned, do I have to say it? I guess I can, 30, Santi will be 1 next week, what a busy month. One of the best summers ever!

20130731-141148.jpg

20130731-141212.jpg

20130731-141308.jpg

20130731-141316.jpg

So where have we been? In case you’re wondering……..

Lots of things have happened since we last posted here, for one Alex is all done with the fluoride clearing. While I am so happy he is done with it I am now wondering what’s next? What improvements did we see with this clearing, here’s a recap of whats changed.

  • Alex went from not understanding why things don’t always go as we plan/want, by this I me loosing his marbles over the iPad going dead, him not getting to stay up late, giving up the computer or iPad, etc anything he wanted/liked to do. He now has all his marbles in place when the iPad dies, or when it’s time to turn off the computer/tv and go to bed, he turns off the iPad when asked without any sort of issue, leaving the iPad in the car on outings is no issue, O my I could go on and on.
  • Bedtime hell is completely gone, can I get an AMEN here. OMG I can write a book on just this topic, for about the past 2 years this has been a touchy subject. Alex had sleeping issues of all kinds that would drive us nuts, getting him to sleep was just as bad. Some nights it took us longer to get to sleep than he stayed asleep. Any who that’s over, the kid is not able to put himself to sleep, put on his own pj’s, tuck himself in, he’s grown up I tell ya.
  • Dressing himself is a HUGE improvement also, he does this without any issues or protesting. He occasionally puts his shirt on backwards but hey who doesn’t. It’s great to sit there staring with drool coming out the side of my mouth as I watch my baby grow up and recover right before my eyes. A blessing indeed.
  • Brother and sister bonding: well in this topic there is way more than just bonding, there’s also a lot of fighting, hair pulling, hammering peoples eyes (no worries it’s a tiny wooden hammer), book tugging, and best of all talking to each other. For instance last Friday as we drove to Costco which is on the path of many airplanes leaving and entering Portland Alex spotted the first airplane and said “Mom I see airplane” Julie quickly jumped into the conversation and asked “where Alex where?’ I sat there waiting to see if it would happen and I DID, ALEX ANSWERED JULIE he said “look Julie, over there” while pointing up to the sky where the airplane was. Alex was on his iPad on an opposites app and Julie asked (as she heard weak and strong) “Alex are you strong or are you weak?” Alex responded with ” I am strong, rrrrrr” while showing Julie his muscles!!! lol
  • Alex now calls/yells “MOM” from his room or wherever he may be instead of looking for me like he used to. He’s now figured out the greatness of using his voice!
  • At school they noticed he was more easy going as well, his aide was so pleased when he saw how easy it was to get Alex from a preferred activity to a less liked activity, music to my ears. He was a lot more verbal at school about his needs and wants and even just to greet his teachers and coach in the hallway without anyone asking him to. He took his very first field trip ever on the last week of school which he completely LOVED. He rode the bus to the zoo with his classmates and loved every minute of it. He kept asking everyday after that to go to zoo again on the school bus. On a little signature book they made for him at school he wrote that his favorite memory from school was taking the bus to the zoo. Talking about that signature book, boy did that have me in tears, want to make a mom cry, tell her how amazing her son is, how much progress his made and tell her how much you enjoyed being a part of it all, that’s how you make me cry.

20130626-120418.jpgLong story short this clearing was awesome, Alex’s understanding went from good to a lot better. Many reading this who don’t have a child with autism don’t quite grasp the importance of being able to make a grocery trip without an iPad being needed, or telling your child to go to bed and the child actually doing that, or how HUGE it is to be able to be in a room different than the one your child is and hearing this beautiful sound known as “mom” coming from some where in the house. That my dear friends is PRICELESS!

Besides ending our clearing we are keeping Alex on the constitutional remedy that he’s been on for the past few months, which I might add is AMAZING. The full moon is no match for it and I see the Alex I always knew he was blossoming everyday thanks to it. He sleeps well, he is happy, loves life, he is living not just existing. I couldn’t be more thankful to our amazing homeopath Sima Ash, she is so passionate about her kids that their healing is her happiness too. God is good I tell ya, god is good, he put Sima in our lives when we most needed her. At a time when I was most vulnerable, when I felt so alone and lost as to where to go next. She came into our lives and made it positive and is helping me heal my son, I owe her something money can’t buy, I owe her our happiness. Thank you Sima, may god bless you and your family, may he grant you the happiness you are helping many families achieve, may god bless you today, tomorrow and always. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

20130626-120401.jpgWhats next you ask? Well I am not sure but I have some ideas in mind, I’ll need to run those by Sima and see what we come up with. Until then may you all continue to heal your children, may you hear their voices roar and their smiles shake you to your core, may our passion to heal our children move mountains, may you all be blessed with recovery, amen.

Moving right along.

It’s a pleasure to be able to update our blog with great news about Alex. The fluoride clearing has been amazing and super easy. We’ve seen minor aggravations but mostly lots of improvements. We’re into our 2nd week of 10M and all I can say is wow, wow, wow. Alex’s comprehension has improved so much, things that before were the cause of chaos are now minor issues resolved with words and options. For example going out to eat this weekend was so easy and painless, I thought to myself the whole time we were out “so this is how it should be, I can get used to this”. Alex cooperated with everything, asked for things when he needed or wanted them, ate his food without any problem. His iPad died on the way to the restaurant and guess what? HE DIDN’T CARE! Alex kept smiling and enjoyed his day. Off to the park after lunch, here Alex did amazing too. Can this child disappoint? I think not!

At school all I hear from his aide are good things about how happy Alex is. How easier it is to transition from a preferred activity to a less preferred activity. Giving up the iPad or computer or a book is as simple as just asking for it. Alex is doing great at school, this is a dream come true for me. He’s talking more and more so the iPad is less and less used. During lunch all the kids surround Alex and asked him all sorts of things just to hear his voice. If those children only knew how happy and grateful they make me feel when I see the interest they have for him.

Here at home we see and hear Alex more and more happier each day. Yesterday he even tricked me in order to be able to take another Popsicle from the freezer without mommas Permission. He’s so sneaky at times it’s precious, he knew Popsicles were off limits but he figured a way to take advantage of an empty kitchen and moved in for the kill. Gotta love his sneakiness, it tells me he’s back!

If this week is as easy as last we might call it done with this clearing. It was a great and easy one, hope the next is too. Keep praying for Alex, it’s working!

20130603-142531.jpg

20130603-142540.jpg

20130603-142554.jpg

There’s many things that happen in life that you don’t understand, as time goes by they become clear.

pregnant with JulieWhen I was pregnant with Julie I started asking our pediatrician questions about Alex, things like: Why isn’t he talking yet? Why doesn’t he respond when I call him anymore? Why doesn’t he look at me? Why? Why? Why? Sadly Alex’s pediatrician had no answers for me, well he had some answers but they were so far from anything anyone with a brain could believe or accept. At the beginning of my investigation I didn’t know the word autism just yet, I knew something was wrong but didn’t quite know what. I kept asking but got nowhere. Doctor after doctor kept brushing my questions to the side and just sent me and my son on our way to figure this out on our own. as I was farther along with my pregnancy things became more and more clear, then one day someone said the word autism to me. I about chocked that person but I didn’t as I at that moment realized that was what I had been looking for. A name for what was happening to Alex, from that day I started to Google anything and everything I could about Autism. My research fast confirmed that persons words, Alex had autism, now what? I was 7 months pregnant when we finally had early intervention  confirm my suspicions, months later doctor officially diagnosed him too.  That March 31st of 2009 when I asked those two women (Early Intervention People) “does my son have autism” they looked at each other and I knew at that moment the answer was yes, Alex had autism and that second was life as I knew it would never be the same. My whole life changed and now what? What will I do now? What will I do with this child inside of me? I need all my time for Alex, why is god giving me another child when Alex needs all my attention? Why I am pregnant if autism is now in our lives? Why? Why my son? Why me? Why us? Why are you doing this to us god, why? All this questions ran through my mind, I was angry, very angry at god. I didn’t understand why this was happening to my son, I didn’t know about autism, not knowing is scary, very scary, specially when your sons life depends on what you know.

 

alex kissing julieThree months went by and Julie joint our family, I left the hospital the day after against my doctors orders, I wanted to be with Alex, leaving him at home was just too much for me. I felt I was the only one who could protect him. I trusted no one, I would protect him from now on, I would question everything and everyone who came near him from now on, nothing was at as I thought, everything was a threat back then. Where was Julie you ask? Well Julie was there, that little beautiful child I gave birth to and brought home to a garage, that trusty all garage that was our home for months. Julie was there, cried when she was hungry I fed her while reading about biomedical treatments, while I Googled supplements, while I read about GFCF diet, Julie was there but I wasn’t there for her. I kept her alive but I couldn’t enjoy her, the first year of her life is a blur, I don’t remember much as I think I have deleted those painful memories for my own protection. That year (2009) was a very painful year, Alex was so far gone that some days I cried so much because I had no clue if I would ever get him back. I cried myself to sleep many nights, while everyone slept I cried as I watched Alex sleep, I cried remembering all the beautiful moments we had before autism, I cried because I felt guilty for not knowing I was letting doctors hurt him by vaccinating him, I cried because I didn’t know how to help him, I cried because I was in pain.   Again morning would come and I did it all over again, Julie turned one and I didn’t even realize a year had gone by, where was I this whole time? My daughter was one and I didn’t even notice. As Julie got older I started to understand why god sent her, why god needed her by Alex’s side, little by little I understood and when I did I was so grateful.  I was so grateful to god for letting Julie be a part of our journey, she has helped Alex so much, she has helped me so much, she has done Luis so much good. She is the soccer player Luis wanted when we expected Alex, she is my shopping buddy, she is Alex’s pesky little sister who pushes him so much that she even makes him talk, yell and scream at the top of his lungs for some alone time. She has helped Alex in ways me and Luis couldn’t, she is amazing and we are so blessed god trusted us to be her parents.

 

Another example of the amazing things Julie does for Alex: With this fluoride clearing20130320-185312.jpg Alex has experienced some old symptoms, Klebsiella coming back to be more precised. This is a bacteria we dealt with back in the day, way back in the day. He started having issues on the 1M potency. As we all know the body finds a way to detox from whatever it is that shouldn’t be in the body. Alex is detoxing fluoride and he has been urinating more than usual, I suspected he had a UTI so I took him to our DAN last week to have a test done. Yesterday she called me back with the results and sure enough my mommy intuition was right, Alex has Klebsiella in his urine. I called Sima and she recommended I  start him on apple cider vinegar mixed in 2 ounces of kambucha, garlic drops in his tea and about 3 hours into this Alex developed a fever. I saw this as his body fighting this infection, garlic is a natural antibiotic, antifungal, antiviral, you name is garlic can treat it. Needless to say I love garlic and apple cider vinegar, antibiotics do not come anywhere near my kids, this are the natural ways we treat infections at our home. So where does Julie come in? Well earlier as I had Alex take the apple cider and kambucha he of course doesn’t like the taste, it’s sour, even bitter you could say. Julie saw how much he was struggling to swallow it she took it upon herself to help him drink it. She said “Alex it’s ok, I will help you drink it, mommy give me some so I can show Alex it’s not that bad”. I felt so proud of her, I let her take a sip and I as watched her face and body shiver from the bitterness in this concoction yet still say “see Alex it’s not that bad” I felt like the proudest mother on earth. God knew this child was exactly what Alex needed to get through this journey, that is why he sent her. She protects Alex as well as bother him, love him, but what are little sister for right? They are the first best friends we have, Julie is there for Alex when he most needs her to be, she has protected and supported him in ways I never imagined. She helped Alex finish his drink like a trooper, she hated the taste but kept drinking until they were done. So even though I didn’t understand why god sent her our way back in 2009, I have slowly learnt why and I can not thank god enough for it. She is the spitting image of me, she has a way of carrying herself that never goes unnoticed, she is a riot with a great cause. She is exactly what I wanted her to be and more, I know she will grow up to be an amazing woman who will always fight for justice for her brother and other kids like him. I can only imagine all the great things she will accomplish in life,  I am so blessed to be able to call myself her mother. Time has opened my eyes and I now know that even though I may not understand things at the time they happen, time will make it clear. Alex’s journey out of autism  was gods way of opening my eyes to the truth, to being healthy, to eating organic, to appreciating what’s truly important in life, to appreciate everyday as it is, a blessing from up above.

julie alex shirtIf today you are going through something you don’t quite understand, please know that as time passes it will all be clear. Have faith, god knows exactly why you are sitting there reading my words, he wanted you to so you too could understand that everything will be just fine. You just need to trust in him, he is with you every step of the way, let him guide you, he will get you to where you need to be. One day everything will be crystal clear, one day you will understand and thank him for what you are living today.

Autism, what it is, what it’s done to our family, where we are today.

As many of you know we have been on our journey out of autism for a little more than 4 years now. As soon as we entered it, without asking to join the club  I may add, we wanted out. Autism is a condition that changed our world as we knew it, our hopes and dreams for our son were taken away in an instant. Without warning ,without a hint it was coming. We went from being happy parents of a beautiful little boy, anxiously waiting for our daughter to join us, to very sad and hopeless parents. We were lost and had not one clue what autism was, were it came from, but worst of all how to get rid of it. Autism was something new to us, something we were not about to embrace, I knew Alex was not born with this so I knew I could/would get rid of it. A little voice inside me told me I could change this, I listened to that voice and it led me to recovery.

I submerged myself in anything and everything I could to heal my son, diets, biomedical treatments, supplements, homeopathy, CEASE  etc you all know the story. In this past four  years many things have changed, Alex has made tremendous progress, he has also gained two siblings, Julie and Santi. Alex has gone from being non-verbal to speaking in sentences. It’s been a year since his language kicked in and we couldn’t be happier about that, it is something I had been praying for way too long. In this journey I’ve learned that the little things in life aren’t really that little. What do I mean by this? I mean that things like being able to speak, to walk, smell, taste, touch, feel, all those things many, (I included) take for granted are truly HUGE! Alex has taught me to appreciate everything I am able to do, everything I am able to say, he has taught me to appreciate life like never before. Because of him I am the great confident woman and mother I am today. I am much wiser, I know so much, I know things I never in my wildest dreams thought I would know. He has made me realize just how strong I am, how determined I can be, he has made me a woman I can be proud of. Seeing how much he has struggled along the way makes me have so much admiration for him, he has been through hell and back and yet managed to do it with a smile on his face, a smile that can move mountains, a smile I would and did everything I could to get back.

So lets travel back in time and go through something called an ATEC test, what is this you may ask. Well this is a test I did on Alex at the beginning of our journey to see how affected he was by autism. This test asks you questions about the child, things like: does the child respond to his name? Does the child use one word at a time? Does he look at you? Questions many of us have had to answer multiple times. The first time I took this test Alex had a very high score and let me tell you that this is the only test where I wanted him to flunk. The higher the score the more affected the child is so that is why I wanted him to fail. Two years into our journey I took this test again and Alex’s score was a 61, which was lower than the first test but still high in my book. On Friday while chatting with a couple of fellow warrior moms one brought up the ATEC again and I started thinking, “when was the last time I took one of these for Alex”. I went back through my notes on Facebook and realized it has been over two years, February of 2011 to be exact. So I said why not, I will do this test today. As I checked off boxes I realized my mood was a lot different taking this test then it was two years ago, I answered the questions so quickly I was done in no time, then it came time to see our score. Drum rollllllllll pleaseeeeeee : 16 a WHOPPING 16 that’s 45 points less, DEAR CHRIST SOMEONE PINCH ME! I was so happy, thrilled, excited, all sorts of emotions into one, I could have cried many happy tears but I didn’t. This was something to smile and cheer about, my son is  so close to not being a candidate for this test and that my friends is exactly what I want.

So back to today and now, autism is something we have been talking about in our house for many years now. And well one day we need to tell Alex what autism is, which I am sure he knows already being that the kid is a genius and knows everything. We need to tell him this is his diagnosis and to be completely honest with you I have no idea how I will do this. Yesterday I talked to Julie about it, she will be four in July which many would think is too young to be told such things. But whoever knows Julie knows she is a very mature and smart little cookie, she is my daughter after all could’t and wouldn’t expect anything less from her. Julie has been to every school Alex has been in, she sees his classmates and wants to be part of his class. She sees kids just like her brother, to her they are just kids without labels or diagnosis, in her innocent mind they are her friends and cousins even. At Alex’s current school their is a little girl who follows Alex and his aide everywhere they go. Julie has grown to love this little girl, she says its her best friend, honestly I have grown to love her too. Julie doesn’t know what autism is so I thought I needed to tell her. I sat her down yesterday and asked her ” Julie you know how Alex doesn’t talk to you as much as you’d like him to? And how he loves his books and being in his room? Well he is the way he is because Alex has autism, just like ( girls name from school). Julie looked at me and said “autism mom, huh”. As I was about to start my next sentence I heard my husband crying, crying like I had not seen him do in a long long time. And when I man cries you know he is hurting inside, a pain that is so deep that crying is the only way to make it better. I hugged him and asked why he was crying? As best as he could he said it was because of the conversation I was having with Julie, I am sure he never wanted this to be a topic at our home. Sadly it is and we need to face reality, autism is on our lives and even when Alex completely recovers autism will still be a topic at our house, I felt that Julie needs to know about this and maybe will better understand her brother.

How I decided it was time to have this conversation: Yesterday I was invited to attend a presentation given by an adult with autism. I had a lot f interest and wanted to hear what this woman had to say. It was a very eye opening experience and this was exactly what I needed to take the next step. She said our kids need to know what is happening, she said she would have loved to have known many years ago what was happening to her. She found our about her autism as an adult which she doesn’t recommend for any of our kids. So I asked her what was the best way to tell Alex, she recommended this book she helped write. The book is called I Love Being my Own Autistic Self by Landon Bryce. She says this book would hopefully be a great tool, I told her Alex loves books and I thought and hope this will make this conversation go a lot easier. She told me to let Alex read it before I go into his room to talk about autism with him, she thinks Alex will be able to relate to the characters in the book, one of the characters even has a sister which I think it’s perfect. I truly hope this book will open the door to a conversation I have been dreading, I didn’t know if Alex was too young to know about this, or  does he know already? I wouldn’t be surprised if he did, I’ve said it so many times not directly at him but he’s always listening so I am sure it’s time. I don’t know how he will react to it, but I am sure it’s time, Alex is so bright, such a go-getter, I know he will make the best of it, I just hope me and Luis can make it through the talk without breaking down. All I can hope for is that Alex knows he will always be Alex to us, the Alex we have always loved and will continue to fight for. A diagnosis is just that, a label that has it’s days numbered, everyday that goes by is a day less for autism in our house!