School has officially NOT started!

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So how did we get here, how did we come to this? Well it’s easy, having to deal when IEP’s SUCKS, having to practically fight for actual services for my child SUCKS, having to worry about my child being at school SUCKS, autism SUCKS basically.

Last week as school started I also started to have this feeling, you know that gut feeling that something isn’t right? Remember that feeling you had when you vaccinated your child? That feeling that something was not quite right? Well that my friends is your mommy gut/intuition telling to get the hell outta that place, in this case school. As I pulled up to our usual parking spot at school where Alex’s aide is always waiting for Alex to walk him into school, might I add that I fought like a beast to be able to get this arrangement. Back to my story, so as I pulled up to the school here come this woman telling me that according to the new principal I can’t do this anymore. That I need find a parking spot, get out of my car and walk Alex in, new rules I guess. Me being the momma that I am, I comply not because she told me to but because it was my plan anyways as it was the first day and I wasn’t sure how Alex would react. As I walked in I spot the new principal and ask him if I can have a word with him. I then walk to Alex’s classroom and realized its a lot bigger than last year. I walk out of his room and look for the principal. As I talked to him about the drop off situation he questions me on why this is necessary. I tell him all the safety reasons why me and 3 kids around moving vehicles is not safe for any of my kids. I also remind him he’s the new guy not us, how much I fought for his arrangement and remind him that Alex’s aide is there because Alex is there, everyone at that place seems to forget that. I also tell him Alex will be leaving school after recess as he is now getting ABA at home. He decides its a smart idea to question my decision, as he’s sure after only having spent 2-3 minutes in Alex’s presence that he knows what’s best for my son. Something that was funny to me was that he didn’t even know what ABA was, yet felt it wasn’t the best option for Alex. Then he says “if you want him out early everyday you’ll need to sign him out at the office”. Yet again we come to the same safety issue that leads to me need help with that. I remind him I have the other two kids and that because of the kids safety I don’t feel comfortable having to take them all out of the car to just sign out. I ask if Cameron can stay with the kids while I run inside to sign out, or if he can bring out the notebook so I can sign him out. He says its a school policy that obviously he’s not willing to change for me. A “school policy” not a district or law, its just his way of saying I’m the boss, deal with it. I quickly realized I was wasting my time and tell him I need an IEP to set up the new schedule for Alex.

At lunch time: I walk in as I do everyday with food in hand eager to see my Alex. I noticed there’s only Alex’s aide watching over all the kids in the cafeteria. No other aides or teacher, only Alex’s aide. When I asked where everyone was he as calmly as he could ( mind you was chasing after children as they tried to run out of the cafeteria time and time again ) tells me that the 2 other aides are at lunch and the teacher is taking kids back to the classroom. Yeah about that, the teacher forgot to tell me lunch time had changed, it’s 15 minutes earlier now. As I sat there with my son while he quietly ate his lunch the other kids screamed, others kept trying to scape it was a mad house. Alex’s aide ran like a mad man behind them, even the custodian came up to him and asked why he was on his own with so many kids. It was while I looked around at the craziness around us that I realized I didn’t want my son around that. It was then when I questioned my decision to send my son to school, I realized school was not a good nor safe place for him.

I sat there with my heart heavy wondering how can it be this way? I never saw this when I was in elementary, why are there so many sick kids now? Why? And most of all why isn’t anyone stopping this? Why aren’t parents listening to parents like me who have been saying for years that vaccines aren’t safe, vaccines are causing autism and a lot more problems that people just seem to be over looking. I stared at my son as he ate and decided I wouldn’t walk out of that school without him.

I see the principal once again and he tried his best to convince me to leave him at school but there was no way that was happening. I came home and thought about everything I had seen, everything I felt, and the more I thought about it the more home schooling felt like the way to go.

The next day came and Alex didn’t go back to school, Alex wasn’t going back. I get a call from school a few days after asking about him and telling me about the IEP meeting they have scheduled for us. The meeting day came but as my decision to home school was taken already I don’t go to the meeting. I had already spoken to his teacher about my decision. They decide they want to call me and tell me the pros and cons of my decision during an IEP I had already told them to cancel. I listen they talk, they talk more I listen. They talk and talk and I listen, once it was all said and done my decision remains firm, I am homeschooling.

It’s very sad that many mothers are taking this decision not because it was our long life dream to home school but because school and their staff make it nearly impossible for our kids to get a real education and real services. It’s a shame that a mother has to fight therefore earning that “pain in the ass” parent label just to get your child a descent IEP. And that’s half the battle, once you have that IEP that actually seems could help your child you now have the fucking task to be the “pain in the ass” parent again and make sure they are actually implementing that IEP. Why should I have to do that? Why? Why are all these people in special education or education for that fact if their main goal isn’t to help kids? Why must I live in fear about my sons wellbeing while he’s at school? Why should I dread having an IEP meeting? Why do I need an advocate just to be able to have an IEP team that follows the law, a law that sometimes I don’t even think they know about. Why must school be so painful?

Well it won’t be anymore, as we are now free, happy and with such a weight off our shoulders. Alex will be home with me and his brother and sister. We will be doing 2-3 hours of ABA daily, getting in contact with the local home schooling community, getting together with my local autism homeschooling mommas and doing field trips with our kids. We will learn the fun and free way, we will nourish the special things about each one of our kids, we will explore and let them be themselves not what society wants/expects from them. We will be learning in a way that’s fun and rewarding. We will be homeschooling as that feels best. I’ve always said that when we follow our intuition, nothing can go wrong!

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When will the pain go away?

All week I’ve been thinking about taking the kids to have lunch with Alex at school. I usually do the lunch run on my own as its faster and much easier for me, plus there’s been someone at home with me all week so it’s convenient as well. Yesterday, Thursdays was the exception there was no one home but Santi, Julie and me. So today was the day, we were all going to have lunch with the o so loved Alex. Julie was super excited to go as she’s always begging to go to Alex’s school. Santi gets so much attention there and they even take him at times so me and Alex can be together while they enjoy Santi cuteness. Julie was wearing her Super Julie cape so she was the kids main attraction, they all smiled as they pointed at her and said how cute she was. Alex was happy to see us there, he quickly dug into his lunch bag to see what was inside. Homemade organic fries, celery and orange juice, all prepared with much love. As we sat there I talked to Alex’s aide, who I’ve grown to love and appreciate very much. He tells me everything Alex is doing and how smart he is, Alex is incredibly smart, I’m so proud of him. His aide mentioned they were counting in fives and of course Alex did awesome, he’s a math wiz. We talked and talked that before I knew it lunch was over and it was time for recess. I packed up the kids and watched Alex as he was lead to recess by his aide, I watched until he was out of my sight. I always watched as he walks away from me, I watch and always ask god to protect him, to guide him, to help him, to save him from anything and everything. As I walked to my car I prayed that he would have fun and that he knew just how much I love him and that everything I do is always related to him, for him, because of him. I drove towards the playground to see if I could catch a glimpse of what recess is like for him. I spotted his aide and there he was, my son, spinning with the biggest smile he’s beautiful face has to offer. He was spinning, spinning and spinning while the other kids played. Some played together, others played with coach C, others talked amongst each other, Alex spun happily all on his own. I watched for a few seconds when suddenly my eyes were filled with tears, tears that I’ve been holding in, tears of pain, anger, desperation, sadness, tears of guilt. That guilt that will always hunt me, the guilt of not knowing vaccines could/would hurt my son, guilt of being so blind and ignorant about the dangers of pharmaceuticals, guilt of letting them harm my perfectly healthy son. I cried while I watched him spinning, I felt so bad, I want his life to be the best, I want him to have friends, to talk to others, I want the son god always wanted him to be. I cried as I felt helpless, I felt like this is unfair, why my son? Why did I need to have such a hard experience to learn everything I know now? Why Alex? Why? At that moment I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted this to be a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. Then I realized it’s not a nightmare, it’s our reality, a reality that has changed us forever. Its changed us in great ways but in a horrible painful manner. While I cried I couldn’t get myself to drive away, it was too painful to leave my son behind spinning while the other kids played. Then I called the person that’s spent the most time with me and my kids these past few months, my roommate, me best friend, my confidant. I called him hoping he’d pick up the phone, I knew he was working but something inside me said he will be there for you, as he always is. As the phone rang I cried uncontrollably, he picked up the phone and I cried even more. I needed someone to tell me it would be ok and he did just that. He asked me questions that I often forget to ask myself. The first question was “Lucy why are you crying, what makes you think Alex isn’t happy spinning? Why do you think he’s not ok? Remember that movie you had me watch (Temple Grandin), she was happy spinning, it calmed her down when it was too hectic around her. Alex is Alex, he has his own world where he’s happy and he lets us in when it’s time, when it’s right. Alex might not be like us but he’s Alex and he’s happy. Alex is ok and he will get even better. Plus imagine if you weren’t his mom? He’s blessed to have you as his mom, you’ve done so much for him and will continue to until he’s recovered. He’s fine Lucy”. This questions brought me back, he’s right how do I know Alex isn’t happy spinning. I loved to spin as a girl, it was fun. I wasn’t always as outgoing as I am now, I enjoyed being in my room alone, writing, coloring, I still to this day enjoy my alone time. Why I am crying thinking he’s not enjoying himself? Why? Maybe it’s the guilt that I’m sure will hunt me for the rest if my days. Then after a few seconds Santi reminded me he was with me, he made a giggling noise that made me smile. I look at Santi and see Alex all over again, it’s as if god is giving me a second chance to do things right. A second chance to have a son and this time protect him from harm. Harm, what kind of harm? Well VACCINES WHAT ELSE! Santi and Julie both are vaccine free, they’ll never be victims to pharmaceuticals, they won’t help fatten CDC, AAP, MERCK, PHARMA’s or any other assholes pockets. They have seen my midwife maybe 1-3 times since they were born, they eat all organic, they are healthy and happy. They will not be victims, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Vaccines will never hurt my children again, never again.

When will the pain go away? I’m not sure, maybe when Alex is completely recovered? Maybe when he can tell me everything and anything on his mind? Maybe in a few years or maybe never as the memories of the pain and suffering he endured will live with me forever. Maybe I’ll live with this anger and pain of whats happened to my son the rest of my days. I know times heals all wounds, this one can not be the exception. Time will teach us to accept what’s happened and give us strength to keep moving forward. Time heals all wounds, time will heal Alex and my heart will heal as he does too. Time will go by and as that happens Alex will grow older, wiser, healthier and will someday came back to us fully. I’ll wait for that day with patience, faith and hope, very high hopes. I’ll be here waiting with arms wide open my son, I’ll wait because I know you’ll come.

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Harm that could/should/can be prevented.

So many dreams, so much hope, so much faith and at the end it’s all connected to RECOVERY. A recovery that would set my son free, it would set us all free. Free to explore the world without worries, without fear, without the uncertainty of how our surroundings might effect or ruin the moment. From the moment I found out I was pregnant millions of dreams were born, millions. I could see my sons face, I just dreamt of how beautiful he would be. I had dreams of hearing his voice, hearing him call me mommy, I wanted to see him crawling, walking, running, playing, I wanted to have him and love him with all the love I had in me. Love that many took for granted, love this child already own. Lots of my dreams and hopes were abruptly taken from me when I heard the word autism. With that many if not all my expectations and dreams would never happen (or so I thought at that moment), never become a reality, everything was over. Nothing was what it seemed, everything was a lie, a bad dream, or so I hoped. But it was real, my son has autism, how could it be? I was so clueless as to how we got to that point, when did my son slip away from us, when? How? Why? The question that lingers within us, why? Why my child? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why? Why? Why?

As I started my research I kept coming back to the same conclusion, VACCINES. Those “life saving” injections making many rich and powerful while on the other end the ones receiving them are hurting, dying, suffering and living with autism and many other illnesses vaccines caused them. It’s sickening to see all the children suffering, children who live in silence, who have so much to say but can’t because their voices were stolen, and now it’s our duty and obligation as mothers to speak up, to be their voice, to tell the TRUTH!

I’ve been sharing Alex’s story for years now, I’ve been talking to people, parents, autism mothers, people in the streets, people I meet at our annual autism walk, I’ve told anyone and everyone that’s willing to listen. I’ve said it in Spanish, in English, on paper, through our blog, over the phone, on fb, at Alex’s school, everywhere, but slowly I’m realizing that I’m saying it but they’re not listening. They are still vaccinating their kids, putting their children on medications which will lead to side effects which they’ll need more medications for and so on and so on. It’s the never ending cycle of allopathic medicine, they just want to keep you coming back for more, they want you to be a patient for life. I ask myself why aren’t people listening, why? Why is everyone in a rush to get their flu shot when there’s so much information on the vaccine insert itself of it’s lack of effectiveness. Why can’t people wrap their head around the fact the the “flu epidemic” is a result of their flu shedding vaccines? Yes everyone who gets a vaccine or the flu mist sheds the virus for about 20 days, everywhere they go spreading the so called “protection” against the flu. Then many who get the flu shot are somehow sick with the flu days later, hmmm? Who could that be?

At our house we’ve been sick for 3 weeks now. My brother caught whatever virus was floating around his school brought it home and 3 weeks later my kids are still sick. How could they not be? Alex goes to school and god knows how many people there got their flu shot. Yesterday at our IEP meeting his speech therapist and his special ed teacher both said they had gotten their flu shot, I then thought why not educate then a bit. I asked ” did you know that when you get a flu shot you shed the virus for days? And that in the vaccine insert it clearly states that basically IT DOESN’T WORK, it DOESN’T PREVENT THE FLU?”
They said “really?” I said “yes, really and that’s why so many people are sick, because of all the shedding the flu recipients are doing”. No wonder my poor children specially Santi and Julie can’t get over this, it’s everywhere we go!

Lets talk about the gardasil vaccine that supposedly protects you again HPV and cervical cancer . It was started as a vaccine targeting girls age 9 and up. Well not happy with all the god knows how many innocent girls they permanently scared with this vaccine now their giving it to boys. Cervical cancer + boys = ? ok let me try this again, cervix + boys = ? Why doesn’t this add up? O yeah maybe because boys DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CERVIX!!!!

Dear Christ when will this crime end? When? How many more children will need to be sacrificed for people to open their eyes? How many more flu shots will be given out that are causing people to get sick? The vaccinated and the ones around them. How much longer?

Because of vaccines Alex now has autism, autism that could have been prevented. Prevented by not vaccinating my son, if only I had known. If only I could go back and change everything, if only autism wasn’t part of our lives. If only autism didn’t exist, period.

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This year is off to a great start!

While last week was a bit hectic due to Santi and I being sick I have to say we’ve had a great past few days. Santi is back to his cute healthy self again and well, I’m still a bit congested but on my feet which is more than I can ask for. Being a mother of 3 gives me no chance to be sick and in bed, it’s a luxury I can not afford.

School: this week has been, well very interesting since Alex hasn’t been to school all week. On Monday since he was awake during the night (don’t ask, why) he woke up late and felt warm to the touch, had a bit of congestion, and asked very politely to stay home. I was so exhausted that I happily agreed with him and we both went back to bed. All day he seemed somewhat down, very little appetite, just not himself. Tuesday night he slept all the way through the night and in the morning would t get up. He stayed in bed till 10am and again he didn’t look ok, I guess he caught whatever me and Santi had. At about 11am he asked to go see his old teacher and as we all know of Alex talks Alex’s wishes are granted. I called his old school and set up a time to come by. Alex was so happy to see his old speech therapist and teacher, it was great seeing their faces as they heard him speak! When he left their school he had a few words but lots of them were hard to understand, now he has many more and they are super clear. They loved hearing him read to them, talk to them, say their names, it was a moment to remember for sure. And did I mention Alex has a new look? Well they loved it! They couldn’t stop talking about how great he looked, how handsome and in style he is. Music to mom’s ears!

New look: once again Alex was super excited about his hair cut, dreams do come true! And this time we went all out and cut it all off. New year, new experiences, new words, new look!

video 1 by the way last time Alex got his haircut this is the same cape the stylist used, Alex remembered and asked her to use the same one! What a memory this kid has!

video 2 here you see Alex saying all done but he means done with the machine and for her to use the blow dryer again. We were so scared he would be scared of it but he wasn’t at all, he kept asking her to use it!

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What a week, wait it’s not over?

This week sure has has a little bit of everything. Happy moments, crazy moments, ugly moments, tantrums, new things and to top it off me and Santi have been sick all week. He woke up sick Monday morning and I quickly joined him Tuesday. He has a cold, flu call it what you will, we both have it. No fever for any of us just lots of coughing, runny nose, soar throat and a gagging cough that causes my poor baby to not eat. I’ve been pumping all week as he’s been eating very little, he tries to eat but gags therefore he refuses to eat. I started him on aconite, then pulsatilla and today’s he’s getting what I’m getting (through feeding) which is gelsemium. Alex and Julie are not sick thank god, nor is Luis, with me and Santi is more than enough. Hoping tomorrow me and Santi are back to our happy selfs and we can have an amazing end of the week.

Alex school: this week and half of last have been truly Unexpected. Alex usually has a hard time getting back into the grove of things after a school break, let alone a 3 week school break. But surprisingly he was eager to go back and has been doing amazing everyday! Well with the exception of Monday morning, since Santi woke up very sick and whinny and Alex was up at 5am, Luis went into bed with Alex to help him fall back to sleep and I stayed with Santi. This caused Luis to oversleep which honestly was the best thing that could have happened because with Santi so sick I couldn’t leave him to drop off Alex.
That morning started wrong from the minute we woke up. When Luis realized what time it was we quickly got Alex ready for school, he needed to be at work fast also. He was already 2 hours late. This morning was going wrong and I’ll explain how: First I put on Alex’s Toms when he clearly asked for his boots. Why didn’t I listen? Not sure, maybe I was stop tired to walk up the stairs again to get the boots he so loves. 2nd: he wanted to ride in the van which is what I drive the kids in all the time, but Luis needed to go to work so he needed to take his car. Alex was not happy about riding in dads car.
3rd: Luis parked the car in a totally different side of the school which is not where I park daily.
4th: dad never takes him to school, I do.
Once they get to school Alex looses it!!! He didn’t want to get out of the car, he screamed all the way into school and once inside he threw himself on the floor and wouldn’t move. Luis, his aide, and the case manager tried unsuccessfully to get him off the floor but Alex wouldn’t move. Luis called me and off to school I went, so clearly my plan to not leave Santi was a fail. I had packed some mandarin slices for his break and rice cakes, he had been on the floor with his backpack on his back so when I walked into school and saw him first thing I thought was ” his got mandarin juice now and rice bits and not cakes!” He looked at me and knew “O SHIT SHE’S HERE”. I started my countdown 1, 2, and get up Alex, he did. Not totally willing but he walked to class, he whined the whole way there and once there he refused to walk inside his classroom. Well that’s until the iPad was offered which he very rudely agreed to take. He did tell his speech therapist he wanted to play on it by himself so she let him. As long as he talks, he gets his way, well not always of course. The rest of the day was marvelous, so has Tuesday and today. His aide was happily surprised to see how easily Alex adjusted to his return to school, again except for dads drop off day. Either Luis takes him more often or never!

iPad: Alex has been on a waiting list for his own personal iPad for school since September and guess what? It’s finally here! They have proloquo2go on it and a typing feature so he can do his work on it. Alex is not fond of writing, why? I’m not sure, maybe it hurts his fingers, hand, who knows, all we know is that it’s not his favorite thing. So at our last IEP I suggested having him type up his assignments which I’m sure will be a great thing for him. They will introduce it to him tomorrow, we will see how it goes.

Helium: he’s back on helium 200C as the 1m didn’t give us the hoped for results. We might go back go it when there’s no full moon insight. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work as well, I guess we will never know it maybe we will. For now I thank The Lord for his great mood and disposition, hoping tomorrow will be an amazing day for us all. Keep Alex in your prayers, we need them as we continue on Alex’s journey out of autism.

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Things will keep getting better.

Things have been pretty mellow with Alex, he keeps making progress and saying new words daily. But of course I want more, I’m sure lots of warrior moms out there will agree with me, we all want full recovery so the million dollar question is: how will we achieve that? Well I wish I had the trillion dollar answer but I don’t, all I can say is that we gotta keep digging for that one thing that will set our kids free, recovered, healed. This words to me mean happy, healthy and enjoying life again. These 3 words raise much controversy in the autism community as many takes warrior moms as moms who don’t accept our kids as they are. I say to them it’s because We LOVE our kids as they are that We want to heal, recover and set them free. What do I mean by my previous sentence well that my son was born perfectly healthy, happy, free to be whatever he wanted to be. My son was vaccine injured, he wasn’t born with autism or any other health conditions. My son was perfect in every way, vaccines hurt him, he was diagnosed with autism because of that so now my mission is to help him be healthy again. Alex has come so far and that’s not because he “grew” out of it like many people might think. Autism doesn’t get better with age, in our case vaccine injury otherwise labeled as autism things would have never gotten better on their own. Alex was physically ill and thanks to god, diet, supplements, chelation,CEASE Therapy and homeopathy he is where he is today. Alex is happy and enjoying life a lot more now, we still have more healing to do to get him to a much healthier place. I’ve been thinking a lot about what and how we will get Alex to the end of our journey, what clearings to try next, remedies, etc. Having this responsibility is not easy, Its nerve wrecking at times. Knowing that if I’m not reporting the right stuff to Sima we might miss a great opportunity to make more progress. Thank goodness Sima is amazing and has great knowledge and intuition, what can I say WE LOVE SIMA. She’s helped Alex made so much progress and I know there’s more to come.

Full moon: this past week has been a tiny bit tricky, lets just say the full moon is not our friend. Alex has been having trouble falling asleep at night, waking up around 3am as usual with days before the full moon sets in. Last night thankfully he fell asleep fairly easily and stayed asleep all night. It’s so interesting how the days prior to a full moon he gets a bit stimmy and short tempered but on the actual full moon which is today he’s better. I would have never guessed the full moon had any effect on people. To be complete honest I never payed any attention to the moon, I looked up and never really thought anything about it wether it was full or whatever was happening up there. The things you learn dealing with autism. Hopefully one day the full moon will no longer be an issue and I can learn to love full moons again.

School: this is going good with minor little things to fix. Alex loves to read but writing is not his favorite, at last weeks IEP meeting this subject came up and me knowing my sons love for electronics asked if they could/would provide Alex with an electronic device that he could use to type up his work. Brilliant huh? They all agreed that this was a genius idea and offered to bring in an alpha smart so Alex could start typing up his work, what would his IEP team do without my brilliant ideas! This week they introduced it to him and its going, slowly but surely his getting the hang of it, hoping this will eliminate tantrums during writing time. His time in regular ed is a bit tricky because of all the noise but Alex is learning that he’s got an option to go back to the CB room if he needs it. Their also introducing a break card (PECS) so Alex can ask for a break when he needs one, little things that are HUGE for Alex and make school easier. So far things are going good but as always I’m hoping for that day when we can say bye bye to special ed and welcome regular school life. I know that slowly but surely we will get there, HOPE is always there, HOPE will never die!

Pictures from school!

I received a wonderful email this afternoon from Alex’s case manager at school. When I saw the email was from her I didn’t know what to think, every time the phone rings and its from school I panic because I don’t know what it’s about. Any who back to the email, so I open the email and it reads:

Hi Lucy,
These are some pictures that Louise, the counselor, took of Alex when she was taking some recess pictures. He looks so happy playing!

Here are the pictures, enjoy!

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