A letter to my son on his birthday.

What to say when you feel like you’ve said so much. How do I describe love so powerful, so unmeasurable, so endless. A love that only a mother could feel for her child, a child that showed her how to love unconditionally, who has taught her so much in what some people may see as a short amount of time. Before you came along I felt lost, unwanted, like no matter where I went I didn’t belong. I remember November 1, 2006 like it was yesterday. I had been waiting so long for you, so long. I still remember how anxious I was to meet you, walking through the hospital halls hoping that as I walked I’d be a step closer to meeting you. I remember asking the nurses how much progress I had made every few minutes, all I wanted to hear was “ma’am your baby will be here soon”. I put so much love into getting things ready for your arrival, every piece of clothing was chosen and seemed perfectly made just for you. Daddy was there with me, he too couldn’t wait to meet you. Dad didn’t say much, he’s a quiet guy unlike momma. But I know just how much he wanted to hold you in his arms, you would make him a father and Alex let me say, you’ve made him the best father I’ve ever met. The moment the doctor said “look dad, here comes your son” his eyes filled with tears. For the first time since I had met your dad he didn’t hold his emotions in, he couldn’t, what you made him feel was much bigger and stronger than him. I’ll never forget how he looked at me as you joined us, as if without words he was thanking me for making him the happiest man alive. I’ll never forget it, you truly changed our lives from the second we saw you.

You’ve made us so happy Alex, so very happy. Being your mother made me a better human being, made me who I am today. I am so proud of you, you’re such a fighter, such a wise little guy, you are my hero. You’ve been through so much yet you never forgot how to smile and that my son is a beautiful thing.

Today you turn a year older and I can’t even believe it’s been this long. Eight years ago you made me the happiest woman alive, that day you made me a mother, the best role I’ve played in this life. We’ve been through so much together, I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. Please know that I will always be here for you, just guide me son, I promise to follow. I pray so much that the year you start today is an amazing one. That it’s filled with new firsts, new adventures, more healing and most of all filled with love and health. Happy birthday son of mine, god bless you today and always.





A letter to my son on his birthday.

Strength, that’s all I ask for.

These past few weeks have been so up and down, one day we are on top of the world the next we are thrown back down without a warning. It’s been over five years since we began this journey and while we’ve made leaps and bounds things do still get tough, really tough. When will it be over I ask myself, when? Living with a child who was vaccine injured is a daily struggle, it hurts everyone in the house when Alex is struggling. This flu clearing hasn’t been easy, it’s been far from it. While we’ve had amazing days we’ve also had lots of bad ones, and when I say bad I mean bad. Alex’s major reactions with this clearing has been anger, very little tolerance for sounds, and a lot of sleep issues as well. The first week on 200c he had a fever and flu like symptoms, we are on week 3 now and I still see how it aggravates his mood as we dose. The other two kids have caught runny noses, fevers and coughing as well, today I felt sick with flu like symptoms too. The good thing about the clearing is that I’ve noticed he’s been asking more questions, the days when he is happy he is so with it, such a joy to be able to see the true happy Alex. Gives me a little preview of what’s to come, because I have no doubt he will continue to heal.

As far as school goes we are done with that, took them less than a month to crush my baby’s spirit. He refuses to go to school and he begged for months to go back. I remember the night before school started, he didn’t want to go to sleep. As soon as I said “if you don’t go to bed now you won’t go to school tomorrow” Alex ran into his room and tucked himself in. He was so excited and happy to see his aide, he kept saying he wanted friends, that he missed school. Four days into school his teacher emails me and tells she noticed that one of Alex’s strength was math. She started sending him to a regular education classroom for math every morning. Alex was super happy at first but very fast he started refusing to go. It all has gone from bad to worse, I realize homeschooling is the best and only option for us. Plus with Alex’s reactions to this clearing I think the best thing to do is stay home and continue focusing on his healing.

As always I pray and ask that you keep us in your prayers, please send my baby healing thoughts and energy. Wishing you the same as well.

Pictures from Alex’s first day of school and his first day back to homeschooling. Something about being in your pjs while you teach and learn just makes me smile:)





Strength, that’s all I ask for.

Living the life we always dreamed of!

Lots of things have happened since our last post, lots and lots of happy things. For one Alex is so happy, he is enjoying life and that is what I prayed so much for. He wakes up every morning bright and early with a huge smile on his face. He goes into my room, lays next to me and says “good morning mom, can I go play my iPad in my room?”. He’s such a good little boy, always asks for mommy’s permission before he plays. As I lay in bed I can hear him singing throughout the house, laughing as he watches videos on his iPad, sometimes it’s reading out loud that I enjoy the most. When he is hungry he finds me to ask for his breakfast item of choice, that can be anything from pancakes to spaghetti or tacos, yeah this kid is something else. He eats like there’s no tomorrow, but then again so do I so that’s that. I still remember when he only ate about 5 things, boy have things changed.

As the day goes by he goes from a book, to a movie, to his iPad or better yet playing with his brother and sister. When we are lucky enough to have some sunshine he asks Julie to go outside with him to jump on the trampoline. They play chase and jump until they can’t no more. This has got to be one of the most beautiful sights my eyes have been blessed to see, watching Alex initiate play with his sister and others is such a blessing.
On sunday while we visited with Julie’s a godparents Alex saw two boys kicking a soccer ball around. Alex watched them for some time and then the unthinkable happened. As we all stood there talking and eating Alex got up and walked towards the boys, I kept my eyes on Alex to see what he would do. He went up to one of the boys and asked “what are you boys doing?” The boy answered “we are playing”, Alex looked at them some more and then asked “can I play?”. I about died at the very moment of excitement, my son, the boy who we were once told would/could never speak just asked another kid to play. The boys said “yes you can play” and one proceeded to kick the ball Alex’s way. Alex being the adorable geek that he is, doesn’t know much about sports, he has never been interested in them. He watched the ball come his way and made no attempt to stop it, it hit his leg and all he could do and say was, “ouch”. We all laughed and celebrated that amazing miracle we had all witnessed. Needless to say that moment made my day.

Everyday is a happy day at our home, everyday is a blessing I thank god for. As far as CEASE goes we are taking a break for now. Alex’s last clearing lasted a couple of months so we felt giving him a break was best. He is doing so well that I don’t feel we need to do much except enjoy every second of everyday. I waited so long to be able to write a post like this, so long. Feel so thankful the day has come, I have so much to be tankful for. And just like I can say this today, you will too one day. All I ask is that you never give up, that you always get up when you fall, that you fight for your child like your life depends on it, because it does. Recovery is possible, Alex is prove.




Living the life we always dreamed of!

I am who I am today because of you, my son.

Tonight was the first night my mother and I went to the movies together. She invited me to the movies and I gladly accepted. While this may seem completely unimportant to many, it meant a lot to me. What is so special about this you may be asking? Well I’ll tell you what makes today’s event so meaningful to me and hopefully to you as well. The movie we watched was “Son of God” a movie I hadn’t even heard of until my mom mentioned it to me. As we sat watching Jesus’s life, I couldn’t help to think about Alex and the journey we’ve been on for the past 5 years. The more I watched the more I understood why, why we had been chosen to go through this, why I was chosen to be his mother.

Before Alex, I lived an empty life, I smiled to keep others happy, I made jokes to cheer them up. I did everything I did to please others while filling the void I had deep inside even if it was only temporary. Alex came into my life to fill every empty part of me, every single part. I knew he was special, very special. I always knew he would change my life and that of those around him. Jesus was the chosen son of god, just like our children were chosen for us. Everyone of those children out there were chosen to change our lives, each one. They were chosen to teach us just what life is truly about. While I wish the way would have been different, less painful mainly, I know this was the only way to teach us to appreciate everything god created for us. Just like we’ve told many people that the way they ate was wrong, that vaccines could/would hurt their children, that the natural way was the best way and yet they haven’t listened, maybe we wouldn’t have listened either. No one learns by others pain, no one understands your pain unless they have felt it themselves.

I ask, would you know just how powerful words are if it wasn’t because our children’s voices were taken? Would any of you truly feel the way you feel when your child hugs you? When your children eat? When they sleep? When they play? When they smile? When they look into your eyes and say so much without saying one single word? Tell me, would you know how HUGE that is if it wasn’t for what has happened to our children?

As I watched Mary look into her sons eyes as they said to her “your son will be our king, he is the chosen one” I realized our kids were chosen too. As Jesus carried the cross I realized that we all have a cross to carry, all of us. Some crosses are heavier than others and when it is our kids carrying that cross it’s even that much more painful. Mary watched as her son was beaten and crucified yet in her eyes I could see peace. As if she knew he would be ok, that he would return. That brought me back to a very painful day when I saw my husband cry as I have never seen him nor wanted to see. He was defeated, lost, without hope, without faith. He was crying because his son as he knew was gone, he cried and I could see the hopelessness in his eyes. I got on my knees just as he was, I looked him straight in the eyes and I made him a promise. A promise I was not going to break, a promise that I knew someway, somehow I would make a reality. I said to him “Luis I promise you that I will give you your son back, I will bring him back. Just like I gave him to you that beautiful November night 2 years ago, I will give him back you again. I don’t know how or when, but I promise you I will”.

Since that moment I have been determined to make that promise a reality. I have worked tirelessly trying to follow every sign god has given me to the best of my ability. I remember one night I broke down as I felt helpless, I broke down and cried. I asked god to do as he will, because I knew I was powerless without him. He is the almighty, his will and his power is what I needed to believe in. I put my sons faith in his hands, just like god had honored me with that beautiful boy once. I begged of him to return him to me once again, I begged god as though my life depended on it, because it did. I put Alex’s life in god hands and told god I would respect whatever he decided to do with it as couldn’t change what would happened anyways. I put my faith in god, I asked for guidance, for strength, I asked for him to show me the way. I have followed his signs the best way I could, I’ve learned to listen to my intuition, to question everything, I’ve learned so much. I have grown in every possible way, I am the amazing woman and mother I am today because of everything we’ve been through. I waited patiently ( at times) to hear Alex’s voice, I never lost faith that I would one day. I’ve waited for every hug, every touch, every smile, everything he can do today. We take nothing for granted now and I can only thank god and Alex for that. That angel has shown me just how great and powerful a single word can be, how a hug can shake you to your core. How looking into someone’s eyes can tell you so much about that person without a word needed. Alex has shown me how to smile from within, from the heart which is where it truly counts. Today I can confidently say I am happy, inside and out. Alex’s voice set me free, his voice was worth all the pain we have been through. Seeing him smile heals my heart, my soul, heals my painful and broken being. Alex, my son thank you for everything you’ve taught me, thank you for showing me that miracles do exist, that blessings come in all shapes and sizes, that god truly does listen when you believe in him. What a way to teach me god does exist, you my son have taught me more in your lifetime than I ever learned in mine. Every second of everyday is a blessing, I now know that because of you. Thank you Alex, thank you for showing me how to live a fulfilling life, a meaningful life.

To every mother reading this, I ask that you never loose hope, that you never give up. One day you too will hear your sons voice, one day you will hear then sing, dance, speak, laugh. One day they will look straight into your eyes while holding your hand tightly and thank you for never giving up. They will thank you for being strong when all you wanted to do was crumble, for believing even though things were not going your way. For being their voices when they had none, for being the best possible mother you could have been given the circumstances. They will thank you for always getting up when you fell, for never staying down. One day all the bad moments will be just memories, memories that will no longer hurt. One day you will look back and know you wouldn’t change a thing even if you could. Everything we have lived up to today was meant to be, it was written, everything. It was the way it was to make us who we are today.

I’ll end tonight’s post with this:
Luke 1:37 – For with God nothing shall be impossible. Amen

I am who I am today because of you, my son.

School has officially NOT started!


So how did we get here, how did we come to this? Well it’s easy, having to deal when IEP’s SUCKS, having to practically fight for actual services for my child SUCKS, having to worry about my child being at school SUCKS, autism SUCKS basically.

Last week as school started I also started to have this feeling, you know that gut feeling that something isn’t right? Remember that feeling you had when you vaccinated your child? That feeling that something was not quite right? Well that my friends is your mommy gut/intuition telling to get the hell outta that place, in this case school. As I pulled up to our usual parking spot at school where Alex’s aide is always waiting for Alex to walk him into school, might I add that I fought like a beast to be able to get this arrangement. Back to my story, so as I pulled up to the school here come this woman telling me that according to the new principal I can’t do this anymore. That I need find a parking spot, get out of my car and walk Alex in, new rules I guess. Me being the momma that I am, I comply not because she told me to but because it was my plan anyways as it was the first day and I wasn’t sure how Alex would react. As I walked in I spot the new principal and ask him if I can have a word with him. I then walk to Alex’s classroom and realized its a lot bigger than last year. I walk out of his room and look for the principal. As I talked to him about the drop off situation he questions me on why this is necessary. I tell him all the safety reasons why me and 3 kids around moving vehicles is not safe for any of my kids. I also remind him he’s the new guy not us, how much I fought for his arrangement and remind him that Alex’s aide is there because Alex is there, everyone at that place seems to forget that. I also tell him Alex will be leaving school after recess as he is now getting ABA at home. He decides its a smart idea to question my decision, as he’s sure after only having spent 2-3 minutes in Alex’s presence that he knows what’s best for my son. Something that was funny to me was that he didn’t even know what ABA was, yet felt it wasn’t the best option for Alex. Then he says “if you want him out early everyday you’ll need to sign him out at the office”. Yet again we come to the same safety issue that leads to me need help with that. I remind him I have the other two kids and that because of the kids safety I don’t feel comfortable having to take them all out of the car to just sign out. I ask if Cameron can stay with the kids while I run inside to sign out, or if he can bring out the notebook so I can sign him out. He says its a school policy that obviously he’s not willing to change for me. A “school policy” not a district or law, its just his way of saying I’m the boss, deal with it. I quickly realized I was wasting my time and tell him I need an IEP to set up the new schedule for Alex.

At lunch time: I walk in as I do everyday with food in hand eager to see my Alex. I noticed there’s only Alex’s aide watching over all the kids in the cafeteria. No other aides or teacher, only Alex’s aide. When I asked where everyone was he as calmly as he could ( mind you was chasing after children as they tried to run out of the cafeteria time and time again ) tells me that the 2 other aides are at lunch and the teacher is taking kids back to the classroom. Yeah about that, the teacher forgot to tell me lunch time had changed, it’s 15 minutes earlier now. As I sat there with my son while he quietly ate his lunch the other kids screamed, others kept trying to scape it was a mad house. Alex’s aide ran like a mad man behind them, even the custodian came up to him and asked why he was on his own with so many kids. It was while I looked around at the craziness around us that I realized I didn’t want my son around that. It was then when I questioned my decision to send my son to school, I realized school was not a good nor safe place for him.

I sat there with my heart heavy wondering how can it be this way? I never saw this when I was in elementary, why are there so many sick kids now? Why? And most of all why isn’t anyone stopping this? Why aren’t parents listening to parents like me who have been saying for years that vaccines aren’t safe, vaccines are causing autism and a lot more problems that people just seem to be over looking. I stared at my son as he ate and decided I wouldn’t walk out of that school without him.

I see the principal once again and he tried his best to convince me to leave him at school but there was no way that was happening. I came home and thought about everything I had seen, everything I felt, and the more I thought about it the more home schooling felt like the way to go.

The next day came and Alex didn’t go back to school, Alex wasn’t going back. I get a call from school a few days after asking about him and telling me about the IEP meeting they have scheduled for us. The meeting day came but as my decision to home school was taken already I don’t go to the meeting. I had already spoken to his teacher about my decision. They decide they want to call me and tell me the pros and cons of my decision during an IEP I had already told them to cancel. I listen they talk, they talk more I listen. They talk and talk and I listen, once it was all said and done my decision remains firm, I am homeschooling.

It’s very sad that many mothers are taking this decision not because it was our long life dream to home school but because school and their staff make it nearly impossible for our kids to get a real education and real services. It’s a shame that a mother has to fight therefore earning that “pain in the ass” parent label just to get your child a descent IEP. And that’s half the battle, once you have that IEP that actually seems could help your child you now have the fucking task to be the “pain in the ass” parent again and make sure they are actually implementing that IEP. Why should I have to do that? Why? Why are all these people in special education or education for that fact if their main goal isn’t to help kids? Why must I live in fear about my sons wellbeing while he’s at school? Why should I dread having an IEP meeting? Why do I need an advocate just to be able to have an IEP team that follows the law, a law that sometimes I don’t even think they know about. Why must school be so painful?

Well it won’t be anymore, as we are now free, happy and with such a weight off our shoulders. Alex will be home with me and his brother and sister. We will be doing 2-3 hours of ABA daily, getting in contact with the local home schooling community, getting together with my local autism homeschooling mommas and doing field trips with our kids. We will learn the fun and free way, we will nourish the special things about each one of our kids, we will explore and let them be themselves not what society wants/expects from them. We will be learning in a way that’s fun and rewarding. We will be homeschooling as that feels best. I’ve always said that when we follow our intuition, nothing can go wrong!


School has officially NOT started!

Fluoride clearing here we go again!

Ok so how did we come to this conclusion, well I’ll tell you how. On Monday morning I woke up tired, neck injured from the day before (long story), Alex awake during the night because of the full moon, sigh. I got out of bed mad, tired and walked (stomping better describes it to be honest) straight to my remedies and grabbed the fluoride 30C and gave it to Alex. Why? I have no clue what took over me, I can’t explain why I did it other than I was being guided to do so. Call me crazy but I truly believe god is guiding me along this journey, nothing I do is a mistake or coincidence , everything is/was meant to happen. I dosed Alex and a few hours later when I snapped back into reality I realized I needed to tell Sima what I had done. I was hoping she wouldn’t mind, but then I remembered she is very BIG on following a mothers intuition so I knew she’d understand.

Today/Friday the 23rd: so by today Alex has gotten 2 doses of fluoride 30C by now. Mondays does I gave first thing in the morning but yesterday for some reason I forgot in the morning and have it in the evening which was a BIG MISTAKE. I’ll tell you why, Alex was stimming like crazy at 2am, he was running back and forth and vocal stimming like no ones business. That’s when I remembered, “o yeah Alex needs this in the AM unless I want him awake in the middle of the night, Thai happened when I cleared fluoride the first time”. I had to resort to melatonin by 3:30am as I needed to sleep and so did he. This morning he was stimmy as well but now it seems his over that and has a fever now. He’s a lot calmer and I couldn’t be happier about that fever, it tells me repeating the clearing was a slam dunk! He’s reacting already and I know more healing is on its way!!!!

Keep the little man in your prayers, I’ll keep praying as well and updating on how he does with this clearing! 20130823-122130.jpg



Fluoride clearing here we go again!

Lets talk about me, mom, because I too matter.

So how am I? That’s a question I haven’t been asked in a very long time, specially by a total stranger. I’m surrounded by people who I grew up calling “family”, the same people that completely disappeared when autism entered our lives. The people that should be the ones by my side and interestingly were the first to walk away. They don’t call, don’t ask, don’t visit, they’ve become complete strangers to me. They don’t know my son, don’t care to ask about my son, let alone see my son. If only those people knew everything I’ve been through, if only they could walk a day in my shoes. Only then would they feel the pain, the struggles, the tears, the blood, the screaming, the kicking, the dirty looks I got from people when Alex had tantrums in public, the disappointment when something stopped working, the sadness of not hearing your child’s voice for over 5 years, the pain I felt watching him struggle to do things other kids do without even thinking about it. If they could see all the work I’ve done, the hours of research, the amount of work that went into his meals, all the supplements, the testing, the therapies, the doctor visits. If only they knew the thousands of dollars we’ve spent on things we didn’t even know could/would work. I they could have been up for over 2 years with us at night because Alex couldn’t sleep. If only they felt the pain I felt when I laid in bed listening to Alex scream because, well I don’t why, I don’t know because Alex wasn’t talking, he couldn’t tell me why he couldn’t sleep. Was he in pain? Was he uncomfortable? I didn’t know because my son couldn’t speak, he knew what was happening to him but couldn’t tell me. If these people who I grew up calling “family” only cared enough to get to know my son, they would realize what an amazing child he is. Sadly they don’t care, not one bit.
They’ve never seen me crying in a hallway after failed IEP meetings, to hold Alex down so he could have blood work done, outside speech therapy rooms, outside Alex’s room during ABA therapy, they’ve never seen me cry because they’ve never been here. They won’t see me because they’ll never come.

If only they knew how hectic a shopping trip can me for me if its too loud for Alex, if there’s too many people there, too many things going on around him. If they could see the death stares I get because Alex wants to sit inside the cart while I shop. I think I know what those people are thinking: Why is that big kid sitting in that cart? He should be walking, that woman is crazy for pushing him around like that?

Last Friday while we watched Despicable Me 2 a woman in the row in front of us gave us the dirtiest looks I’ve ever gotten since Alex was diagnosed. He was mad because my son was talking, ain’t that a BITCH. The very thing I’ve been praying for, for so long was making this woman loose her mind. She kept looking back at us, covering her ears, looking back, if only those people I used to call family could have felt what I felt that night. That bitter old woman was trying to take away a great moment from me and my son, a moment I wish I could have lived forever. My Alex was talking so much during that movie, he was happy and so excited, that woman just like “them” have no idea how much every word that comes out of his mouth means to me. But again how would they know when they’ve never been here.

Today on our way to our first swimming lesson (which I was very hopeful for I might add) I prayed that Alex would cooperate. Alex isn’t a fan of water which is good and bad. Bad because showers aren’t his favorite and stressful and good because I believe it’s a child with autism’s worst enemy. Why do I say that, well just this summer we’ve lost about 10 kids who have wondered away which led to a drowning death. So what would they think if they knew swimming lessons aren’t a luxury or just a recreational activity for us? What would they say if they knew this could save my child’s life if he ever wonders away AGAIN. Would they care? Or would they continue with their life just as they did when they heard my son had autism?

Back to today’s swimmingly lesson: So we get to the community center and its me and the three kids against autism. I knew autism would be the only reason why this would be a horrible experience. I debated going but I’ll be damned if i let autism run our lives. We get there and as we walked towards the pools I can feel my feet shaking, could it be that I’m carrying Santi, carrying a bag with all their clothes and holding both kids hands, or the fear of watching Alex’s reaction when he saw the pool? Or both? As soon as Alex saw the pool the meltdown was inevitable, my heart broke when I saw the fear in him, the panic in his eyes, if only “they” could have seen it. But would that even matter to them? I tried my best to hold it together, I stayed firm with Alex and was able to get him into the pool, the fear in his face will stay with me forever, that look of desperation, the screaming pleading to be out of the water. Julie tried convincing Alex that everything was ok too but Alex wasn’t listening. Alex wanted nothing to do with swimming. Alex doesn’t know how many hopes I had for today, neither did “they” because they have no idea where we were today, that we’ve moved, or where we live.

Julie had her swimming lesson and somehow I was able to make it out of the pool tears free. I shook as I walked towards the entrance, I stopped at the counter to explain to them why the lessons wouldn’t work for us. Julie was soaking wet only covered in her towel as I couldn’t help get them dressed because Alex was in such a bad state. All this time I’ve had Santi strapped to me, there’s only so much I can do while carrying him. I struggled to bend over to help Julie put dry clothes on, put Alex’s shoes on at the same time. Santi hanging off of me almost falling out of his moby wrap when suddenly something beautiful happened. An elderly woman walking with the assistance of her walker offered me her help. This elderly woman who warned me her balance wasn’t too good got on her knees and helped Julie put her clothes on. A woman who didn’t know me or seen me before cared enough to help me. She saw me and stopped to help me, if she only knew how her actions made me feel. When I felt so defeated and alone she picked me up. The two women behind the counter were so compassionate too, they expressed how sorry they were and refunded the portion that was for Alex’s swimming lessons. I had them keep Julie’s portion in case I was able to find someone to help me so Julie can continue to take lessons. I left that place as fast as I could, heart broken, defeated but also knowing there’s still good people in the world, bittersweet you could say.

Once home I realized I was alone, the only 2 people who do help have their own lives too. My mother works and my sister does too, sadly I won’t be able to take Julie back to swimming lessons until Alex is back in school. I picked up the phone to call the community center back and tell them I wasn’t able to find help, that I needed to cancel Julie’s lessons. The woman on the other side was so sweet, I could feel the compassion in her voice, she asked me something I had not been asked in so long, something “they” have never cared to ask, she said with one of the sweetest voices I’ve ever heard “how are you mom, are you ok?”. And that’s the moment I lost it, I started crying to this woman, a woman who told me she was sending her heart to me, that she was very sorry for everything I had to live through everyday, a woman who has never seen me yet cared enough to ask me how I was. A woman with compassion for others, a woman I will never forget.

And to answer her question: I’m not ok, I’m mad, I have lost to autism today and I can’t stop crying. I cry because there’s more than 30 people within minutes away who I grew up with who don’t care to know how we are. Who when once asked to donate $10 a month to help pay for Alex’s expenses back in 2009 when I was pregnant with Julie and Luis was laid off found every excuse possible of why that was impossible for them. Yet if there’s a party they don’t think twice about spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol but wouldn’t have the heart to help their nephew, an innocent child with autism, a child who is part of their family. That is sad, very, very sad.

Well today is the last time I shed tears for these people, today I’ll cry as much as I need to and never again. They will never get to cherish the moments and miracles I witness daily. They will never get to know the joy of hearing Alex’s voice, the joy of getting eye contact from him, the joy of being in his life. They will also not be at his recovery party, what for, they wouldn’t understand the meaning of it anyways. To answer that sweet woman’s question one more time, I am not ok but I know one day I will be.

Lets talk about me, mom, because I too matter.