A letter to my son on his birthday.

What to say when you feel like you’ve said so much. How do I describe love so powerful, so unmeasurable, so endless. A love that only a mother could feel for her child, a child that showed her how to love unconditionally, who has taught her so much in what some people may see as a short amount of time. Before you came along I felt lost, unwanted, like no matter where I went I didn’t belong. I remember November 1, 2006 like it was yesterday. I had been waiting so long for you, so long. I still remember how anxious I was to meet you, walking through the hospital halls hoping that as I walked I’d be a step closer to meeting you. I remember asking the nurses how much progress I had made every few minutes, all I wanted to hear was “ma’am your baby will be here soon”. I put so much love into getting things ready for your arrival, every piece of clothing was chosen and seemed perfectly made just for you. Daddy was there with me, he too couldn’t wait to meet you. Dad didn’t say much, he’s a quiet guy unlike momma. But I know just how much he wanted to hold you in his arms, you would make him a father and Alex let me say, you’ve made him the best father I’ve ever met. The moment the doctor said “look dad, here comes your son” his eyes filled with tears. For the first time since I had met your dad he didn’t hold his emotions in, he couldn’t, what you made him feel was much bigger and stronger than him. I’ll never forget how he looked at me as you joined us, as if without words he was thanking me for making him the happiest man alive. I’ll never forget it, you truly changed our lives from the second we saw you.

You’ve made us so happy Alex, so very happy. Being your mother made me a better human being, made me who I am today. I am so proud of you, you’re such a fighter, such a wise little guy, you are my hero. You’ve been through so much yet you never forgot how to smile and that my son is a beautiful thing.

Today you turn a year older and I can’t even believe it’s been this long. Eight years ago you made me the happiest woman alive, that day you made me a mother, the best role I’ve played in this life. We’ve been through so much together, I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. Please know that I will always be here for you, just guide me son, I promise to follow. I pray so much that the year you start today is an amazing one. That it’s filled with new firsts, new adventures, more healing and most of all filled with love and health. Happy birthday son of mine, god bless you today and always.





A letter to my son on his birthday.

Strength, that’s all I ask for.

These past few weeks have been so up and down, one day we are on top of the world the next we are thrown back down without a warning. It’s been over five years since we began this journey and while we’ve made leaps and bounds things do still get tough, really tough. When will it be over I ask myself, when? Living with a child who was vaccine injured is a daily struggle, it hurts everyone in the house when Alex is struggling. This flu clearing hasn’t been easy, it’s been far from it. While we’ve had amazing days we’ve also had lots of bad ones, and when I say bad I mean bad. Alex’s major reactions with this clearing has been anger, very little tolerance for sounds, and a lot of sleep issues as well. The first week on 200c he had a fever and flu like symptoms, we are on week 3 now and I still see how it aggravates his mood as we dose. The other two kids have caught runny noses, fevers and coughing as well, today I felt sick with flu like symptoms too. The good thing about the clearing is that I’ve noticed he’s been asking more questions, the days when he is happy he is so with it, such a joy to be able to see the true happy Alex. Gives me a little preview of what’s to come, because I have no doubt he will continue to heal.

As far as school goes we are done with that, took them less than a month to crush my baby’s spirit. He refuses to go to school and he begged for months to go back. I remember the night before school started, he didn’t want to go to sleep. As soon as I said “if you don’t go to bed now you won’t go to school tomorrow” Alex ran into his room and tucked himself in. He was so excited and happy to see his aide, he kept saying he wanted friends, that he missed school. Four days into school his teacher emails me and tells she noticed that one of Alex’s strength was math. She started sending him to a regular education classroom for math every morning. Alex was super happy at first but very fast he started refusing to go. It all has gone from bad to worse, I realize homeschooling is the best and only option for us. Plus with Alex’s reactions to this clearing I think the best thing to do is stay home and continue focusing on his healing.

As always I pray and ask that you keep us in your prayers, please send my baby healing thoughts and energy. Wishing you the same as well.

Pictures from Alex’s first day of school and his first day back to homeschooling. Something about being in your pjs while you teach and learn just makes me smile:)





Strength, that’s all I ask for.

Today I ask for your help!

Last week while doing my daily rounds through my Facebook newsfeed I saw a post from a friend. She was asking for prayers, she didn’t say what the prayers were needed for but I prayed for her nonetheless. As the days went by I saw more posts of other fellow moms telling her they would keep praying for her and to be strong. I didn’t understand exactly what the situation was until I scrolled down and saw a post I wish was never written. It was a mom asking for prayers for Melanie, who was once again battling cancer. When I read that I felt as though someone knocked the wind outta me, didn’t know what to say. She’s the mother of a child with autism, a child who really needs his mom. He’s healing and life depends on mommy being by his side daily to keep fighting for him. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I feel for this woman, what she is facing isn’t easy. She’s a strong woman and it amazes me that through all of this her courage and sense of humor are intact. While many would cave and give up, she keeps fighting. We autism moms fight whatever comes our way, but let’s not forget we also need help, a lot of help. In her situation at this point financial help is truly needed as her medical bills will continue to pile up if they don’t get the help they need. I ask that if you can help at all you please do. And if you can’t help, share this link, maybe your friends and family can help. Anything helps, please donate if you can and please, please, please keep Melanie in your prayers.

Thank you in advance and god bless you all!

Melanie’s donation page!


Today I ask for your help!

Living the life we always dreamed of!

Lots of things have happened since our last post, lots and lots of happy things. For one Alex is so happy, he is enjoying life and that is what I prayed so much for. He wakes up every morning bright and early with a huge smile on his face. He goes into my room, lays next to me and says “good morning mom, can I go play my iPad in my room?”. He’s such a good little boy, always asks for mommy’s permission before he plays. As I lay in bed I can hear him singing throughout the house, laughing as he watches videos on his iPad, sometimes it’s reading out loud that I enjoy the most. When he is hungry he finds me to ask for his breakfast item of choice, that can be anything from pancakes to spaghetti or tacos, yeah this kid is something else. He eats like there’s no tomorrow, but then again so do I so that’s that. I still remember when he only ate about 5 things, boy have things changed.

As the day goes by he goes from a book, to a movie, to his iPad or better yet playing with his brother and sister. When we are lucky enough to have some sunshine he asks Julie to go outside with him to jump on the trampoline. They play chase and jump until they can’t no more. This has got to be one of the most beautiful sights my eyes have been blessed to see, watching Alex initiate play with his sister and others is such a blessing.
On sunday while we visited with Julie’s a godparents Alex saw two boys kicking a soccer ball around. Alex watched them for some time and then the unthinkable happened. As we all stood there talking and eating Alex got up and walked towards the boys, I kept my eyes on Alex to see what he would do. He went up to one of the boys and asked “what are you boys doing?” The boy answered “we are playing”, Alex looked at them some more and then asked “can I play?”. I about died at the very moment of excitement, my son, the boy who we were once told would/could never speak just asked another kid to play. The boys said “yes you can play” and one proceeded to kick the ball Alex’s way. Alex being the adorable geek that he is, doesn’t know much about sports, he has never been interested in them. He watched the ball come his way and made no attempt to stop it, it hit his leg and all he could do and say was, “ouch”. We all laughed and celebrated that amazing miracle we had all witnessed. Needless to say that moment made my day.

Everyday is a happy day at our home, everyday is a blessing I thank god for. As far as CEASE goes we are taking a break for now. Alex’s last clearing lasted a couple of months so we felt giving him a break was best. He is doing so well that I don’t feel we need to do much except enjoy every second of everyday. I waited so long to be able to write a post like this, so long. Feel so thankful the day has come, I have so much to be tankful for. And just like I can say this today, you will too one day. All I ask is that you never give up, that you always get up when you fall, that you fight for your child like your life depends on it, because it does. Recovery is possible, Alex is prove.




Living the life we always dreamed of!

I am who I am today because of you, my son.

Tonight was the first night my mother and I went to the movies together. She invited me to the movies and I gladly accepted. While this may seem completely unimportant to many, it meant a lot to me. What is so special about this you may be asking? Well I’ll tell you what makes today’s event so meaningful to me and hopefully to you as well. The movie we watched was “Son of God” a movie I hadn’t even heard of until my mom mentioned it to me. As we sat watching Jesus’s life, I couldn’t help to think about Alex and the journey we’ve been on for the past 5 years. The more I watched the more I understood why, why we had been chosen to go through this, why I was chosen to be his mother.

Before Alex, I lived an empty life, I smiled to keep others happy, I made jokes to cheer them up. I did everything I did to please others while filling the void I had deep inside even if it was only temporary. Alex came into my life to fill every empty part of me, every single part. I knew he was special, very special. I always knew he would change my life and that of those around him. Jesus was the chosen son of god, just like our children were chosen for us. Everyone of those children out there were chosen to change our lives, each one. They were chosen to teach us just what life is truly about. While I wish the way would have been different, less painful mainly, I know this was the only way to teach us to appreciate everything god created for us. Just like we’ve told many people that the way they ate was wrong, that vaccines could/would hurt their children, that the natural way was the best way and yet they haven’t listened, maybe we wouldn’t have listened either. No one learns by others pain, no one understands your pain unless they have felt it themselves.

I ask, would you know just how powerful words are if it wasn’t because our children’s voices were taken? Would any of you truly feel the way you feel when your child hugs you? When your children eat? When they sleep? When they play? When they smile? When they look into your eyes and say so much without saying one single word? Tell me, would you know how HUGE that is if it wasn’t for what has happened to our children?

As I watched Mary look into her sons eyes as they said to her “your son will be our king, he is the chosen one” I realized our kids were chosen too. As Jesus carried the cross I realized that we all have a cross to carry, all of us. Some crosses are heavier than others and when it is our kids carrying that cross it’s even that much more painful. Mary watched as her son was beaten and crucified yet in her eyes I could see peace. As if she knew he would be ok, that he would return. That brought me back to a very painful day when I saw my husband cry as I have never seen him nor wanted to see. He was defeated, lost, without hope, without faith. He was crying because his son as he knew was gone, he cried and I could see the hopelessness in his eyes. I got on my knees just as he was, I looked him straight in the eyes and I made him a promise. A promise I was not going to break, a promise that I knew someway, somehow I would make a reality. I said to him “Luis I promise you that I will give you your son back, I will bring him back. Just like I gave him to you that beautiful November night 2 years ago, I will give him back you again. I don’t know how or when, but I promise you I will”.

Since that moment I have been determined to make that promise a reality. I have worked tirelessly trying to follow every sign god has given me to the best of my ability. I remember one night I broke down as I felt helpless, I broke down and cried. I asked god to do as he will, because I knew I was powerless without him. He is the almighty, his will and his power is what I needed to believe in. I put my sons faith in his hands, just like god had honored me with that beautiful boy once. I begged of him to return him to me once again, I begged god as though my life depended on it, because it did. I put Alex’s life in god hands and told god I would respect whatever he decided to do with it as couldn’t change what would happened anyways. I put my faith in god, I asked for guidance, for strength, I asked for him to show me the way. I have followed his signs the best way I could, I’ve learned to listen to my intuition, to question everything, I’ve learned so much. I have grown in every possible way, I am the amazing woman and mother I am today because of everything we’ve been through. I waited patiently ( at times) to hear Alex’s voice, I never lost faith that I would one day. I’ve waited for every hug, every touch, every smile, everything he can do today. We take nothing for granted now and I can only thank god and Alex for that. That angel has shown me just how great and powerful a single word can be, how a hug can shake you to your core. How looking into someone’s eyes can tell you so much about that person without a word needed. Alex has shown me how to smile from within, from the heart which is where it truly counts. Today I can confidently say I am happy, inside and out. Alex’s voice set me free, his voice was worth all the pain we have been through. Seeing him smile heals my heart, my soul, heals my painful and broken being. Alex, my son thank you for everything you’ve taught me, thank you for showing me that miracles do exist, that blessings come in all shapes and sizes, that god truly does listen when you believe in him. What a way to teach me god does exist, you my son have taught me more in your lifetime than I ever learned in mine. Every second of everyday is a blessing, I now know that because of you. Thank you Alex, thank you for showing me how to live a fulfilling life, a meaningful life.

To every mother reading this, I ask that you never loose hope, that you never give up. One day you too will hear your sons voice, one day you will hear then sing, dance, speak, laugh. One day they will look straight into your eyes while holding your hand tightly and thank you for never giving up. They will thank you for being strong when all you wanted to do was crumble, for believing even though things were not going your way. For being their voices when they had none, for being the best possible mother you could have been given the circumstances. They will thank you for always getting up when you fell, for never staying down. One day all the bad moments will be just memories, memories that will no longer hurt. One day you will look back and know you wouldn’t change a thing even if you could. Everything we have lived up to today was meant to be, it was written, everything. It was the way it was to make us who we are today.

I’ll end tonight’s post with this:
Luke 1:37 – For with God nothing shall be impossible. Amen

I am who I am today because of you, my son.

Happy days!

Happy days are becoming an everyday part of our lives. Alex has finally finished the hep b clearing we have been working on for months now. I can’t say enough about this clearing, it’s given us amazing gains. I’ll list the improvements as I recall them, they are not in order of when/how they happened during the clearing just how my poor memory can recall.

• more understanding of what was being said or asked.
• he started asking questions about random things, questions about why he couldn’t eat a certain food item, questions about where dad was, Julie, Santi, etc.
• Alex is signing and signing throughout the house, he is happy and he wants the whole house to know it.
• Alex has been spending more time outta his room and playing with Julie.
• as we drive around he asks “are we there yet?” Like a millions times like I always heard other moms say their kids did, yeah this is exciting to me! lol
• he is making up excuses as to why he can’t go to ABA, he’ll say things like “yeah mom tell “_________” I can’t go to therapy today” when I ask him why he says “because I just can’t mom”, good try buddy.
• he is commenting on things and saying the silliest things also. The other day when I told him we had no more lettuce he said “o lord we have no money for food, someone help us, someone hear our prayers!” lol I about laughed my voice away from laughing so hard.
• his sense of humor is emerging too, yesterday he was telling me knock knock jokes. Then the other night he walked into the living room and said “is it hot in here or is it just me?” Alex you’re one funny guy.
• he’s happier and more comfortable is how in can describe it. He’s answering questions he couldn’t before like: how are you? What do you need? He’s telling us he’s hungry, when before it was just I want followed by the item he wanted, he’s
asking in full sentences what he wants or needs. His language has gotten tremendously clearer and a lot more frequent.

Overall we are all happier because, well you know why, Alex is happy. When Alex is happy momma is happy, and when momma is happy this house bursts with happiness. What clearing is next? Not sure yet, Sima and I have yet to decide. For now I can say I love where we are, we are at a happy place thanks to god, Sima and CEASE therapy. I don’t now exactly what the future holds for us, but I have a HUGE suspicion it’s going to be awesome!

Blessings and healing thoughts for you all from Alex and the gang!


Happy days!

School has officially NOT started!


So how did we get here, how did we come to this? Well it’s easy, having to deal when IEP’s SUCKS, having to practically fight for actual services for my child SUCKS, having to worry about my child being at school SUCKS, autism SUCKS basically.

Last week as school started I also started to have this feeling, you know that gut feeling that something isn’t right? Remember that feeling you had when you vaccinated your child? That feeling that something was not quite right? Well that my friends is your mommy gut/intuition telling to get the hell outta that place, in this case school. As I pulled up to our usual parking spot at school where Alex’s aide is always waiting for Alex to walk him into school, might I add that I fought like a beast to be able to get this arrangement. Back to my story, so as I pulled up to the school here come this woman telling me that according to the new principal I can’t do this anymore. That I need find a parking spot, get out of my car and walk Alex in, new rules I guess. Me being the momma that I am, I comply not because she told me to but because it was my plan anyways as it was the first day and I wasn’t sure how Alex would react. As I walked in I spot the new principal and ask him if I can have a word with him. I then walk to Alex’s classroom and realized its a lot bigger than last year. I walk out of his room and look for the principal. As I talked to him about the drop off situation he questions me on why this is necessary. I tell him all the safety reasons why me and 3 kids around moving vehicles is not safe for any of my kids. I also remind him he’s the new guy not us, how much I fought for his arrangement and remind him that Alex’s aide is there because Alex is there, everyone at that place seems to forget that. I also tell him Alex will be leaving school after recess as he is now getting ABA at home. He decides its a smart idea to question my decision, as he’s sure after only having spent 2-3 minutes in Alex’s presence that he knows what’s best for my son. Something that was funny to me was that he didn’t even know what ABA was, yet felt it wasn’t the best option for Alex. Then he says “if you want him out early everyday you’ll need to sign him out at the office”. Yet again we come to the same safety issue that leads to me need help with that. I remind him I have the other two kids and that because of the kids safety I don’t feel comfortable having to take them all out of the car to just sign out. I ask if Cameron can stay with the kids while I run inside to sign out, or if he can bring out the notebook so I can sign him out. He says its a school policy that obviously he’s not willing to change for me. A “school policy” not a district or law, its just his way of saying I’m the boss, deal with it. I quickly realized I was wasting my time and tell him I need an IEP to set up the new schedule for Alex.

At lunch time: I walk in as I do everyday with food in hand eager to see my Alex. I noticed there’s only Alex’s aide watching over all the kids in the cafeteria. No other aides or teacher, only Alex’s aide. When I asked where everyone was he as calmly as he could ( mind you was chasing after children as they tried to run out of the cafeteria time and time again ) tells me that the 2 other aides are at lunch and the teacher is taking kids back to the classroom. Yeah about that, the teacher forgot to tell me lunch time had changed, it’s 15 minutes earlier now. As I sat there with my son while he quietly ate his lunch the other kids screamed, others kept trying to scape it was a mad house. Alex’s aide ran like a mad man behind them, even the custodian came up to him and asked why he was on his own with so many kids. It was while I looked around at the craziness around us that I realized I didn’t want my son around that. It was then when I questioned my decision to send my son to school, I realized school was not a good nor safe place for him.

I sat there with my heart heavy wondering how can it be this way? I never saw this when I was in elementary, why are there so many sick kids now? Why? And most of all why isn’t anyone stopping this? Why aren’t parents listening to parents like me who have been saying for years that vaccines aren’t safe, vaccines are causing autism and a lot more problems that people just seem to be over looking. I stared at my son as he ate and decided I wouldn’t walk out of that school without him.

I see the principal once again and he tried his best to convince me to leave him at school but there was no way that was happening. I came home and thought about everything I had seen, everything I felt, and the more I thought about it the more home schooling felt like the way to go.

The next day came and Alex didn’t go back to school, Alex wasn’t going back. I get a call from school a few days after asking about him and telling me about the IEP meeting they have scheduled for us. The meeting day came but as my decision to home school was taken already I don’t go to the meeting. I had already spoken to his teacher about my decision. They decide they want to call me and tell me the pros and cons of my decision during an IEP I had already told them to cancel. I listen they talk, they talk more I listen. They talk and talk and I listen, once it was all said and done my decision remains firm, I am homeschooling.

It’s very sad that many mothers are taking this decision not because it was our long life dream to home school but because school and their staff make it nearly impossible for our kids to get a real education and real services. It’s a shame that a mother has to fight therefore earning that “pain in the ass” parent label just to get your child a descent IEP. And that’s half the battle, once you have that IEP that actually seems could help your child you now have the fucking task to be the “pain in the ass” parent again and make sure they are actually implementing that IEP. Why should I have to do that? Why? Why are all these people in special education or education for that fact if their main goal isn’t to help kids? Why must I live in fear about my sons wellbeing while he’s at school? Why should I dread having an IEP meeting? Why do I need an advocate just to be able to have an IEP team that follows the law, a law that sometimes I don’t even think they know about. Why must school be so painful?

Well it won’t be anymore, as we are now free, happy and with such a weight off our shoulders. Alex will be home with me and his brother and sister. We will be doing 2-3 hours of ABA daily, getting in contact with the local home schooling community, getting together with my local autism homeschooling mommas and doing field trips with our kids. We will learn the fun and free way, we will nourish the special things about each one of our kids, we will explore and let them be themselves not what society wants/expects from them. We will be learning in a way that’s fun and rewarding. We will be homeschooling as that feels best. I’ve always said that when we follow our intuition, nothing can go wrong!


School has officially NOT started!