Tonight was the first night my mother and I went to the movies together. She invited me to the movies and I gladly accepted. While this may seem completely unimportant to many, it meant a lot to me. What is so special about this you may be asking? Well I’ll tell you what makes today’s event so meaningful to me and hopefully to you as well. The movie we watched was “Son of God” a movie I hadn’t even heard of until my mom mentioned it to me. As we sat watching Jesus’s life, I couldn’t help to think about Alex and the journey we’ve been on for the past 5 years. The more I watched the more I understood why, why we had been chosen to go through this, why I was chosen to be his mother.
Before Alex, I lived an empty life, I smiled to keep others happy, I made jokes to cheer them up. I did everything I did to please others while filling the void I had deep inside even if it was only temporary. Alex came into my life to fill every empty part of me, every single part. I knew he was special, very special. I always knew he would change my life and that of those around him. Jesus was the chosen son of god, just like our children were chosen for us. Everyone of those children out there were chosen to change our lives, each one. They were chosen to teach us just what life is truly about. While I wish the way would have been different, less painful mainly, I know this was the only way to teach us to appreciate everything god created for us. Just like we’ve told many people that the way they ate was wrong, that vaccines could/would hurt their children, that the natural way was the best way and yet they haven’t listened, maybe we wouldn’t have listened either. No one learns by others pain, no one understands your pain unless they have felt it themselves.
I ask, would you know just how powerful words are if it wasn’t because our children’s voices were taken? Would any of you truly feel the way you feel when your child hugs you? When your children eat? When they sleep? When they play? When they smile? When they look into your eyes and say so much without saying one single word? Tell me, would you know how HUGE that is if it wasn’t for what has happened to our children?
As I watched Mary look into her sons eyes as they said to her “your son will be our king, he is the chosen one” I realized our kids were chosen too. As Jesus carried the cross I realized that we all have a cross to carry, all of us. Some crosses are heavier than others and when it is our kids carrying that cross it’s even that much more painful. Mary watched as her son was beaten and crucified yet in her eyes I could see peace. As if she knew he would be ok, that he would return. That brought me back to a very painful day when I saw my husband cry as I have never seen him nor wanted to see. He was defeated, lost, without hope, without faith. He was crying because his son as he knew was gone, he cried and I could see the hopelessness in his eyes. I got on my knees just as he was, I looked him straight in the eyes and I made him a promise. A promise I was not going to break, a promise that I knew someway, somehow I would make a reality. I said to him “Luis I promise you that I will give you your son back, I will bring him back. Just like I gave him to you that beautiful November night 2 years ago, I will give him back you again. I don’t know how or when, but I promise you I will”.
Since that moment I have been determined to make that promise a reality. I have worked tirelessly trying to follow every sign god has given me to the best of my ability. I remember one night I broke down as I felt helpless, I broke down and cried. I asked god to do as he will, because I knew I was powerless without him. He is the almighty, his will and his power is what I needed to believe in. I put my sons faith in his hands, just like god had honored me with that beautiful boy once. I begged of him to return him to me once again, I begged god as though my life depended on it, because it did. I put Alex’s life in god hands and told god I would respect whatever he decided to do with it as couldn’t change what would happened anyways. I put my faith in god, I asked for guidance, for strength, I asked for him to show me the way. I have followed his signs the best way I could, I’ve learned to listen to my intuition, to question everything, I’ve learned so much. I have grown in every possible way, I am the amazing woman and mother I am today because of everything we’ve been through. I waited patiently ( at times) to hear Alex’s voice, I never lost faith that I would one day. I’ve waited for every hug, every touch, every smile, everything he can do today. We take nothing for granted now and I can only thank god and Alex for that. That angel has shown me just how great and powerful a single word can be, how a hug can shake you to your core. How looking into someone’s eyes can tell you so much about that person without a word needed. Alex has shown me how to smile from within, from the heart which is where it truly counts. Today I can confidently say I am happy, inside and out. Alex’s voice set me free, his voice was worth all the pain we have been through. Seeing him smile heals my heart, my soul, heals my painful and broken being. Alex, my son thank you for everything you’ve taught me, thank you for showing me that miracles do exist, that blessings come in all shapes and sizes, that god truly does listen when you believe in him. What a way to teach me god does exist, you my son have taught me more in your lifetime than I ever learned in mine. Every second of everyday is a blessing, I now know that because of you. Thank you Alex, thank you for showing me how to live a fulfilling life, a meaningful life.
To every mother reading this, I ask that you never loose hope, that you never give up. One day you too will hear your sons voice, one day you will hear then sing, dance, speak, laugh. One day they will look straight into your eyes while holding your hand tightly and thank you for never giving up. They will thank you for being strong when all you wanted to do was crumble, for believing even though things were not going your way. For being their voices when they had none, for being the best possible mother you could have been given the circumstances. They will thank you for always getting up when you fell, for never staying down. One day all the bad moments will be just memories, memories that will no longer hurt. One day you will look back and know you wouldn’t change a thing even if you could. Everything we have lived up to today was meant to be, it was written, everything. It was the way it was to make us who we are today.
I’ll end tonight’s post with this:
Luke 1:37 – For with God nothing shall be impossible. Amen